KNEE JERK NBA

NBA HAZ A SAD

2011-11-20T08:47:00.000-08:00

A Look Back At My Predictions

2011-06-13T11:58:00.000-07:00

Way back in October, before the recently completed NBA season began, I did a Twitter-length prediction for each and every team. Some pretty amusing hits and misses. Here are the original, unchanged predictions with some follow-up commentary:

ATLANTIC
1 BOSTON C’s go from old to oldest. Age and injuries finally catch up to Grouchy Green. ECF at best. (Good call- they lost in the East Semis to Heat in 5.)

2 KNICKS Felton’s overrated. Amar’e only plays one end of the floor. They’ll score enough to win half their games. (Also good, NY finished 42-40.)

3 RAPS With Bosh gone, Bargs moves to his natural PF spot. Kleiza signing is a plus. If Calderon’s healthy, they sniff the playoffs. (Waaaay off- 22-60, Kleiza sucked donkey dick.)

4 SIXERS Yuck. Who’s playing C for these clowns? And why did Collins take this shitty job? (Um, no. 41-41 w COY votes for Collins, but I was right about the C position.)

5 NETS Avery’s a good coach. Not good enough to get more than 20 wins out of this lineup, though. (24-58, so pretty close. Kinda.)

CENTRAL
1 BULLS Boozer helps them score more. That’s enough to win this awful division. Noah’s body keeps breaking down. (Nailed it!)

2 BUCKS Bogut’s health is the big factor. With him, they’re competitive. Without? Dog shit. Jennings continues to shoot poorly. (Yes and yes.)

3 CAVS Mo and Antawn put up huge numbers. Big year for Varejao, too. Doesn’t matter. Without LBJ, they’re nothing. (Mo and Antawn gave up, Andy got hurt. Miss.)

4 PISTONS Charlie V and Gordon signings still haunt Dumars. Tayshaun and Rip get moved for picks. Blow it up. (Almost right, Tay's trade is just taking a lot longer than anyone expected.)

5 PACERS Whatever. At least they traded Murphy. Collison will find that playing PG in the NBA is considerably more difficult with a playbook. (Frank Vogel- who knew? Missed on Indy for sure.)

SOUTHEAST
1 HEAT Even with a terrible C platoon, they’ll still crush this division. James and Wade on the same team should mean a trip to the Finals, too. (Yeah, I picked them to rep the East but not win the ring.)

2 MAGIC Dwight Howard needs to cut out that smiling crap if they want to topple Miami. The best big man in the NBA needs to be an intimidator. (Less smiles and more T's.)

3 HAWKS A big step backward. Bibby and Crawford are so bad on D. Jealousy over JJ’s contract. Bad news bears. (Shoulda called Woodson's firing, too. Damn it.)

4 CHARLOTTE Larry Brown’s good behavior grace period ends. Gerald Wallace breaks his everything. Jax resumes tradition of sulking. (Glad Crash is healthy. And a Blazer.)

5 WIZARDS Wall and Arenas play the same spot. Until Gil gets traded, nothing they try will work. Wall’s the real deal, though. Future All-Star. (Yep.)

PACIFIC
1 LAKERS Champs added Matt Barnes and Steve Blake. Easily the class of a weakened West. Only thing that can stop them is injuries. (And Dallas' matchup zone, apparently. Miss.)

2 SUNS Nash makes everyone better. Career year for Hakim Warrick. Losing Amar’e means they’re back to fighting for the 8 spot, though. (FAIL- Warrick was garbage and they were 6 games out of the 8 spot. Boo. Horrible pick.)

3 CLIPS Blake Griffin reminds everyone he’s a #1 pick. Eric Gordon bombs away. Kaman continues his slow descent into madness. (Yes on all counts!)

4 WARRIORS Another team whose 2 best players, Curry and Ellis, are redundant. Loooong year for GS. Some of the shine comes off young Steph. (RIGHT between the EYES!)

5 KINGS Tyreke does his thing again. Everyone else stands around watching. Cousins is too slow footed and foul prone to stay on the floor. (Cousins took advantage of Tyreke's absence to prove me wrong. But I might make this same prediction NEXT year.)

SOUTHWEST
1 MAVS Another 50 win season. Another early playoff exit. Yawn. (Yes, I'm an idiot. But I'm certain I wasn't alone in doubting Dallas.)

2 SPURS As always, Duncan is the key. If he’s healthy, they’re a threat. Pop gets way too much credit for their rings- it’s all about TD. (Wrong! TD plays 76 games and they still get bumped in the 1st round by the Grizz.)

3 ROCKETS They can win 50 with or without Yao. Morey continues to assemble smart, scrappy players. Courtney Lee will fit in nicely. (Nope. Midseason trades and only 42 W's.)

4 HORNETS CP3 phones in the entire season. Peja actually mummifies before our very eyes. (Not even close on CP3, kinda true about Peja.)

5 GRIZZ Contract year for Z-Bo. Ruh roh. OJ Mayo also looks to get his. Gay gets grilled for not justifying his bloated deal. (I sold this entire team very, very short.)

NORTHWEST
1 THUNDER Durant’s not only a top 5 talent but also a consummate leader/teammate. Westbrook and Green thrive in his shadow. Still not good enough to scare LA. (Or Dallas, who beat 'em 4-1 in WCF.)

2 BLAZERS Oh, Oden. Same old story for Mr. Glass. Worth noting that he had one of the league’s best PER's when he was actually on the floor last year. (Microfracture surgery in November- missed whole year.)

3 JAZZ DWill makes it easy for Big Al to step right into Boozer’s shoes. Losing Matthews and Brewer hurts their perimeter D, considerably. (Who saw the DWill/Sloan beef coming?)

4 NUGS Does Melo stay? Does it matter? I really should put them higher but the combustible egos concern me. (Team played well enough after the Melo trade to reach 50 wins.)

5 WOLVES When your best player is Kevin Love, you’re fucked. Ricky Rubio speaks enough English to know this, as well. (Love was an All-Star and Rubio just announced he's coming. Herp derp.)

In summary, I slept on Dallas and gave entirely too much credit to Linas Kleiza and Hakim Warrick. But overall, I was solid. I'll have to try again whenever these greedy motherfuckers decide it's okay to have another season.

pictured: Most Improved? Not so much.

Nash & Nowitzki Retrospective

2011-06-12T08:42:00.000-07:00

Dirk's on the precipice of a championship while his best bud Nash sits at home. Doesn't feel quite right, does it? Things might be different if Cuban didn't opt for Erick Dampier instead of the eventual two-time MVP. But I digress.

Here are my 5 favorite pictures of the erstwhile Dynamic Duo:

Dirk's either saying what's up to Buck Showalter or ordering two more lagers from the bierfrau. Nash, meanwhile, is rolling his tits off.

This is why I love Steve Nash. In a league of image conscious egomaniacs, he's always down to play the fool.

Cowboy Up, as they say. Most surprising thing about this masterpiece? That Cuban can actually carry Dirk without throwing his back out. Nice Mom jeans and Mavericks Intensity t-shirt, Mark.

Just a hunch but I bet the bros were really into Moby back in the day. Donnie Boozeface looks hammered as usual.

Speaking of hammered...ahem. Perhaps the greatest photo in NBA history. This is probably the night Dirk met Crystal Taylor.

Best of luck to you, Dirk. Bring home the title for the little guy...and all the humble homies that just want to get wasted and dance with their shirts unbuttoned.

Twitter Dork Bro-Down

2011-05-29T12:32:00.000-07:00

Last night I hooked up with three dudes I met online.

No, it wasn't random sex in a cheap hotel room but rather a meeting of hoops fans who'd been sharing ideas and jokes for years now.

Twitter/blogosphere pals Seth Johnston, Travis Margoni, Joe Morris and I decided to congregate at Portland's Slow Bar to see if our friendship stood the test of actually having to be in the same room with each other.

A little personal backstory: since the birth of my daughter eight months ago, I've seen my social life practically vanish. I used to be in a band. I used to go to clubs, bars, parties and concerts. Now I have playdates with other parents and trips to the park with the stroller. The idea of making new guy friends and doing manly things appealed to me.

The fellas were more or less what I expected them to be- smart dudes with good senses of humor. But the meeting had an awkward blind date kinda vibe until we got a few drinks in us. And started talking basketball.

Our waiter looked exactly like a young Lindsey Buckingham. The music was loud but Lindsey B had an annoyingly quiet speaking voice. Not surprisingly, he got my drink order wrong.

The conversation started with funny stories about being unfollowed on Twitter and whether or not someone should take that personally and unfollow back as revenge.

Then we moved on to pondering Blazers defense and what effect pace plays on its overall ranking. I asked if the Brandon Roy buyout story was legit and everyone felt that John Canzano pulled that out of his ass and that his "inside source" was probably his own imagination. The group agreed to be each other's inside sources for future breaking Blazer news (Nate McMillan diagnosed with cancer!).

I was getting drunk and talking too much.

The topic turned to this year's Finals. I expressed my belief that the Heat were going to win, even though I dreaded the possibility. Everyone concurred that they were temporary Mavs fans simply because they didn't want to see Miami holding the trophy.

Despite our collective malevolence, we all agreed that LeBron James was the league's MVP again this year and that he's officially underrated now, somehow. We even pondered the possibility that he might be a sensitive soul who's really torn up inside over the public reaction to his offseason theatrics. Poor LeBron.

Time passed quickly. Drinks kept coming. Lindsey B was replaced by a rocker chick with sufficient volume to project over Danzig and Metallica. I'm sure we were louder by now, too.

We talked about the Bird/Dirk comparisons. Seth mentioned Nowitzki's Australian walkabout as a sort of vision quest that allowed him to find his focus. We laughed about Dirk's relationship with his creepy shooting/life coach whose name was escaping us.

"German Goldschlager. (laughs). No, wait, what is it?"
"Herman Goldfinger."
"Werner Knobschlobber."

More laughter. At this point in the evening, I suddenly felt like these guys were my friends. Gotta love the bonding powers of alcohol. And sports. And Holger Geschwinder.

Suddenly it was nearing closing time. We'd been there about four hours. Everyone was bleary-eyed. We said our goodbyes and agreed that another Bro-Down should be planned in the future. Good times, good group of guys.

Pictured: me, Seth and Joe (photo by Travis)

All-Star Party Crashers

2011-01-09T12:28:00.001-08:00

I've crashed a party or two in my day. Most of the time, it's gone pretty smoothly. But on rare occasion, my uninvited presence hasn't been welcomed. I'm standing there trying to look inconspicuous as I drink the free booze when suddenly there's a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and it's some indignant bastard saying things like "Who do you know here?" or "How did you get in?" or "I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."

It's an embarrassing feeling when everyone at a party knows you don't belong.

That's about to happen to some lucky stiff at this year's All-Star Game. Everyone in the building will eyeball one sorry motherfucker and collectively think "What the fuck's HE doing here?" Because it happens that way every single year. Don't believe me?

Chris Kaman, David Lee and Gerald Wallace played in last year's game. Forgot that, didn't you?

In 2009, Mo Williams, Devin Harris and David West magically appeared in uniform.

2008- David West again. Guy's like a ninja, hard to detect. He can really blend into a crowd of superstars. For this adaptive quality alone, David West might be the best crasher of them all.

2007- Caron Butler, Josh Howard, Mehmet Okur. Can't you picture these three standing awkwardly around the punch bowl?

2005- Big Z, Shawn Marion, Rashard Lewis, Antawn Jamison.

2004- Jamaal Magloire, perhaps the least talented player to ever get a nod, puts up 19/8 without a hint of irony. The ultimate crash. AK47, Mike Redd and Brad Miller also attend the evening's festivities.

2002- Shareef Abdur-Rahim and Wally Szczerbiak? Really?! C'mon, man! Fuckouttahere!

2001- Antonio Davis, Theo Ratliff.

2000- Dale Davis, Michael Finley.

1998- Drunk-ass Vin Baker missed 9 out of 12 shots. He didn't miss the open bar afterwards.

1997- Tom Gugliotta, Chris Gatling, Christian Laettner.

1996- Vin Baker, not yet at rock bottom, only misses 3/5 (though he does leave the building with a lampshade on his head).

1995- Dana Barros and Tyrone Hill. For reals. Hill was forced to play the game with a protective mask when his butt-ugly face kept scaring little children.

1994- Whose dick was BJ Armstrong sucking? Wait, nevermind. I remember now.

1992- Michael Adams, Otis Thorpe.

Alright, that's far back enough to make the point.

So who's this year's impostor? Kevin Love? Luis Scola? Ray Felton? Don't get me wrong- all of these dudes are good players. They just don't look quite right rubbing elbows with the elite.

Pictured: Tyrone Hill without the mask

An Awkward Conversation With My Greg Oden Bobblehead

2010-11-27T21:33:00.000-08:00

We're moving to a new house next week. So I went down to the basement today to figure out what to pack and what to get rid of. Near a shelf of old books and CD's, I had an unexpected encounter with my Greg Oden Bobblehead doll. It was awkward, to say the least.

I'd forgotten he was even down there, honestly. I'd stashed him after the celebration in Pioneer Square following the 2007 Draft- the golden days before everything fell apart. I was convinced he'd be worth something someday.

Needless to say, a lot of stuff has happened since then, bad stuff- catastrophes this miniature figurine was completely unaware of. His eyes gleamed with hope.

GOB: Hey, man! So good to see you!
Me: Oh. Hey.

I shifted my weight back and forth and averted my eyes. He stared and fondled his basketball nervously.

GOB: How long have I been down here?
Me: Three years.
GOB: Three years? (long pause) So what's going on with my career? Am I an All-Star yet?
Me: Uh...not exactly.
GOB: Why? What happened?

He wasn't going to let me off the hook.

Me: Well...damn. Shit. Fuck it, I'm just gonna tell you everything. You get hurt as soon as the season starts. You keep getting hurt after that. At one point, you get hurt getting off your couch. You gain a lot of weight. You grow cornrows. You have a permanent sad face. People compare you to Sam Bowie and Erick Dampier. It ain't pretty, man. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot- you text some chick your dong and it ends up on the internet. You have to publicly apologize. Not for the dick. Everyone gives you major props for the dick. But you apologize for the sexting. It's called sexting.
GOB: Sexting?
Me: Sexting. And Kevin Durant, the guy taken immediately behind you, turns into a superstar who leads the league in scoring every year. Your name becomes synonymous with FAIL.

At this point, my diminutive friend broke into tears, his head bobbling dejectedly.

Me: Hey, it's okay, little guy. It's not all bad. When you did play, you played pretty well. And someone will probably pay you a lot of money soon to try again. It might not be here in Portland, though. People are skittish about you here now.

Then he was suddenly angry and defensive.

GOB: Why'd you leave me down here so long?
Me: Honestly, you kinda bum me out. You remind me of what could have been. Look at you- all lean and hungry. You can barely move these days. It's really, really, really sad.

I struggled to find the right words, comforting words. He broke the silence instead.

GOB: What are you doing down here?
Me: We're moving. I'm trying to figure out what to throw away.
GOB: Are you gonna throw me away?
Me: I have a kid now. And you're bad news bears, man. It's like there's a curse on you, like the tiki idol from the Brady Bunch Hawaii episode. I don't want you around my daughter.
GOB: That's some fucked up shit.
Me: I know. I'm sorry.

Yet another cringe-inducing silence.

GOB: Congrats on your daughter.
Me: Thanks.
GOB: Are you getting rid of me right now?
Me: No. We don't move for another week. I'm just seeing what's down here.
GOB: Cool. Thanks. Seriously. I appreciate the second chance.
Me: No, it's not really a second...
GOB: (interrupting) I won't let you down this time.
Me: (sigh) I know you won't, Greg. I know you won't.

I patted his little head like I would a puppy's. He lowered his gaze and stared at the floor.

Then I went back up the stairs. I could hear his tiny sobs and the click-click-click of his neck as I reached the top step and shut off the light.

NBA's Weakest Links

2010-11-16T13:46:00.000-08:00

A good gameplan is invaluable in the NBA. It's the difference between a win and a loss most nights.

More often than not, the gameplan is built around attacking the other team's weakest link. It's like a nature show- the predators circle the herd until they can single out the old, clumsy one to be their dinner.

Here's a team-by-team listing of who opposing coaches consistently try to exploit:

ATLANTA
Mike Bibby. The dude couldn't guard me, much less NBA-level point guards. When Jamal Crawford enters the fray, he becomes the target.

BOSTON
They don't really have an Achilles Heel to speak of. Maybe that's why they keep going the Finals.

CHARLOTTE
DJ Augustin wears a bullseye every night. Boris Diaw is soft like cookie dough.

CHICAGO
Derrick Rose has improved a bit but is still viewed as a favorable matchup by most coaches.

CLEVELAND
Anyone not named Anderson Varejao will do but Mo Williams and Antawn Jamison are usually the focal points.

DALLAS
Kidd and Dirk both get isolated a lot on the perimeter because of their lack of footspeed.

DENVER
Whoever Al Harrington or Melo guards has a big night.

DETROIT
Ben Gordon and Charlie V both play D like cancer patients.

GS
Only Dorell Wright defends. Take your pick from anyone else.

HOUSTON
Kevin Martin and Aaron Brooks have a rep for only playing one side of the ball.

INDY
Mike Dunleavy. Too easy.

LA CLIPS
Another toss up. When you can score easily on everyone, why bother singling someone out? That's just cruel.

LA LAKERS
Derek Fisher. Fish has had trouble staying in front of PGs for ages now. Russell Westbrook devoured him in the playoffs last year.

MEMPHIS
Z-Bo has blocked one shot this year. He might as well cherry pick on every possession.

MIAMI
Carlos Arroyo is the Puerto Rican Mike Bibby.

MILWAUKEE
Cory Maggette and defense go together like vodka and milk. Drew Gooden also loses interest when he's not shooting the ball.

MINNESOTA
Again, too many options. All you need to do is move the ball around. Kevin Love makes Brad Miller look like Usain Bolt.

NJ
Devin Harris' guy can take it easy and let everyone else feast. Trout and Bropez take the most abuse.

New Orleans
Marco Belinelli has inherited geriatric Peja's role as 'one-dimensional shooter who can't defend for shit.' It's amazing to me they're winning so much, honestly.

New York
Why is Amar'e so aggressive on offense yet so passive on D? He's got the physical tools to be a great defender but lacks the grit. Can you imagine Charles Oakley in Stoudemire's body?

OKC
Last year, their D was great. This year, not so much. I refuse to believe Shawn Livingston was the difference.

ORLANDO
Rashard Lewis, Vince Carter and Jameer get lots of attention. Problem is, all three have the best defensive big man in the game behind them to erase mistakes and blown assignments. A nice luxury.

PHILLY
Elton Brand even looks like a hobbled old water buffalo. Try him first.

PHOENIX
Steve Nash, all day, every day.

PORTLAND
Brandon Roy's knees are reportedly bone-on-bone. Go after him. Or Andre Miller.

UPDATE: Roy missed tonight's game. Ruh roh.

SACTO
Beno is Slovenian for 'help.' Just kidding, it actually means 'rapist.' Still kidding. I have no idea what Beno means in Slovenian.

SA
Tony Parker, DeJuan Blair, Matt Bonner. In his career, Tim Duncan's covered up more mistakes than the Pentagon.

TORONTO
Last year, Andrea Bargnani proved he was too earthbound to check centers. This year, he's too lumbering to stay with power forwards.

UTAH
Al Jefferson's currently playing out of position at C. Go inside early and often.

WASHINGTON
Gilbert's a notoriously crappy defender. So's Yi Jianlian. And Al Thornton. And JaVale McGee. No gameplan necessary.

So there you have it. Now you can be an NBA coach.

Before signing off I'd like to point out that advance defensive stats don't always support my selections. But with as much covering and helping as happens in most NBA games, it's rare that the initial matchup is what results in the made basket. A typical play would be more like this: Bibby's man beats him off the dribble, gets into the paint, dishes to a wide open shooter, scrambling defense rotates, open shooter dishes to even more wide open shooter, made bucket- all because Bibby couldn't keep his guy out of the paint. Statistically, Bibby doesn't get 'credited' with giving up the basket because two passes occurred after his blown assignment. But he's the reason the defense fails, whether stats show that or not.

Pictured: Bibby in familiar territory- trailing the play, ten feet off the ball with his hands down

Daughter 1, Basketball 0

2010-11-14T09:21:00.000-08:00

First off, let me apologize for not posting anything in months now. My newborn daughter has taken up most of my time (yes, I'm already blaming her for my shortcomings). The little munchkin has prevented me from watching my usual regimen of games. My basketball fandom exists in fifteen minute increments now- catch a quarter of basketball while she's napping, tweet a few witty comments, then get back to the rocking, bouncing and diaper changes.

And I've been missing some really terrific writing opportunities, too. The first month of this season has already produced a profound fall from grace for LeBron James, a resurgence of the left-for-dead New Orleans Hornets, Rajon Rondo's John Stockton impression, KG calling Charlie V a "cancer patient" and Kevin Love's absolutely ridiculous 30/30 game. Juicy plotlines galore.

I'm also interested in exploring what's wrong with the Thunder. Or why Baron Davis is such a slug. Or how Steve Nash could have a baby one day and get a divorce the next. Or what it was like for Joakim Noah to grow up with famous parents.

And I'm DYING to do a piece called 10 Things You Didn't Know About Reggie Evans.

These things intrigue me. But not nearly as much as making my little girl smile. I might be lost for good. I might be in transition from hardcore to casual fan. This blog might be an afterthought. Or I could teach her to love basketball as much as I do. We'll see...

All I can say at this point is follow me on Twitter. I'm good for a couple jokes a day.

Pictured: my ruin

Fuck Riley Coyote

2010-07-24T10:25:00.000-07:00

Erik Spoelstra has to be pretty nervous these days. The most back-stabbing, self-centered, politically ambitious coach in history is breathing down his neck, waiting for the right opportunity to swoop in and take over. In truth, Spo would probably be fired already if it weren't for the support of Dwyane Wade.

Think I'm being too critical of Riles? The guy's won 5 rings. He's one of the best basketball strategists of all time. And he just pulled off the NBA's biggest free agent heist in recent memory, landing LeBron James and Chris Bosh in South Beach.

Still a total dick. Here's why:

-Paul Westhead gave Riley his first job as an assistant coach in 1979. Riley had previously been in the Lakers broadcast booth. But when Laker players mutinied to get Westhead fired in 1981, did Riles back his coach/benefactor? Nope. Instead, he waited quietly in the wings. And when Jerry West declined Buss' offer to take over for the deposed Westhead, the job fell in Riley's lap.

-He resigned as Laker coach in 1990 amid rumors of player mistreatment and anger management issues. Gee, maybe using Sun Tzu's The Art Of War as your guide to doing business might rub people the wrong way.

-In 1995, he left his job as Knicks head coach in a dust-up of tampering and burned bridges to join the Heat. New Yorkers still hate him. Nothing makes a Knicks fan happier than seeing the clip of Allan Houston hitting that runner to cap the Knicks first round upset of top-seed Miami in 1999.

-Since coming to South Beach, he's repeatedly gone back and forth between manning the front office and sabotaging his coaches to take credit for their hard work. Randy Pfund and Stan Van Gundy probably have his picture on their dartboards. Now Spoelstra is in prime position to be the next guy with a knife in the back.

-After winning the title in 2006, Riley's Heat visited the White House. Riley slobbered all over W's knob, saying "I voted for the man. If you don't vote, you don't count."

Fuck Pat Riley. He and LeBron deserve each other. It makes perfect sense to me that LeBron is about to spend fifty million on a home that Riley used to own. In an era when one out of every six people on the planet is starving to death, you've got to be a total fucking narcissist to spend fifty million on a house.

I curse you, Heat. I fart in your general direction. May thirty years of bad karma wash over you like gentle rain.

Pictured: Coyote/Gecko

Sheed- Great Talent, Total Douchebag

2010-06-26T09:26:00.000-07:00

Rasheed Wallace was the 4th selection in the 1995 NBA Draft, taken one spot ahead of Kevin Garnett and behind Joe Smith, Antonio McDyess and Jerry Stackhouse.

Amazingly, he's the first player in that group to retire. And he went out with style, starting Game 7 of the NBA Finals and playing really well in a losing effort.

Yet nobody cried when he left. Nobody said "Please, Sheed, stay one more season."

Why? The guy made four All Star teams and won an NBA title. He started 956 out of 1088 games in his career. He was a hell of a player. He was also a colossal douchebag.

Sheed started 65 games for the Washington Bullets in his inaugural season because incumbent star Chris Webber was injured. Wallace averaged double figures and was a low post presence on both ends. He was also repeatedly late for practices and amassed 22 technical fouls.

His personal life was a shambles. His girlfriend at the time, Chiquita Bryant, filed assault charges against him and then abducted their son, Ishmael. During a TNT telecast, Sheed pleaded for the public's help in finding his lost child. The boy would stay missing for two years before being reunited with his father in 1998.

In the meantime, the Bullets traded him to Portland for Rod Strickland.

He walked into a Portland locker room filled with the likes of JR (then Isaiah) Rider, Kenny Anderson, Jermaine O'Neal and Gary Trent. In 1997, the team added Damon Stoudamire. In 1998, Bonzi Wells came into the fold.

It was a perfect storm of self-entitled childish buffoonery.

Sheed racked up 38 techs in '98, setting a league record. The next year, he made it to 40.

Another disturbing trend was developing: Sheed was drifting further and further from the basket. Despite being one of the league's best post players, Sheed began to see himself as a three point shooter. As a player, this would be ultimately be his downfall. For his career, he shot 34% from distance.

In '01, Ruben Patterson and Zach Randolph came onboard the Good Ship Jailblazer. The team was winning but even their own fanbase hated them.

Darius Miles arrived in '03, the same year Wallace threatened Tim Donaghy after a home game, resulting in a 7 game suspension.

Then Sheed unleased a ridiculous diatribe on the league's commissioner, saying that "Stern only drafts niggers who are dumb and dumber." Whoa.

He was traded to Atlanta for one game, and then subsequently redirected to the Detroit Pistons, where he reunited with Larry Brown who he knew from his college days at North Carolina.

He helped the Pistons beat the Lakers for the title in 2004. Sheed celebrated by having championship belts made for every one of his teammates. The Pistons remained a perennial Eastern Conference power for five years but Wallace's game was in slow decline. As his three point attempts increased, his shooting and rebounding numbers suffered.

The Celtics apparently didn't notice this dropoff and signed him before the 2010 season. By all accounts, the regular season was a complete disaster for Sheed. He showed up out of shape and got blasted in the press. Bill Simmons constantly referred to his bad attitude and 'man boobs.'

Then the playoffs started and the creaky old Cs put an astonishing run together, knocking off Cleveland and Orlando before succumbing to the Lakers in Game 7. With Kendrick Perkins injured, Sheed started in the last game of his career and played brilliantly, in the first half at least. He posted up. He competed. He gave his team a chance to win, helping Boston build a 13-point lead on the road.

But it wasn't meant to be. After the game, he made an ass of himself one last time, waiting outside the referee's dressing room menacingly.

Sheed went out the way he came in- pissed off and petulant.

For his career, he made over 150 million but it's still surprising that he'd leave 12 mil on the table. But then again, nobody ever really understood Sheed. Maybe he didn't even understand himself.

As he once said "Everybody is not going to like you. Fifty percent like you, 50 percent hate you. You just gotta keep walking that straight path."

Rasheed's path was anything but straight. Or predictable. Personally, I was never a fan but like most basketball enthusiasts, I can't say enough about his talent. I only wish he'd posted up more and shut the fuck up every now and then.

Pictured: Young Sheed with Wilt Chamberlain

A Relaxing Break With Basketball Bear

2010-06-22T17:20:00.000-07:00

Whew. This NBA season was intense. And after that brutal Game 7, I needed something to help me relax, something to take my mind off of Joey Crawford's snarling mug. Or at least distract me until the Draft.

So I Google image searched 'basketball bear.' Naturally, it was an EPIC WIN.

Check out the handle on this adorable little fucker. The real Pooh, right here. Richardson and Jeter need to step off.

Um, why does this baller have his drawers down? He's like the Ben Roethlisberger of furries. He even looks drunk.

A lovely crochet to console sad Celtics fans, perhaps even Dane Cook himself. A reminder of the 17 titles and Hondo's jersey number. Wicked.

I love this nerd's bewildered expression, like "Hey, where's the game? I studied my rule book and everything." What a loser.

Clearly some surly asshole EuroLeague coach. Probably named Milo or Boris. I'm surprised he's not smoking on the bench. Wait- is that a Knicks logo? Darko?!?

I named him Rik Smits because he's a large albino that eats little children.

And for good measure, here's a lovely Jesus Shuttlesworth Sandwich on white bread...which I found by searching 'basketball bear.' Yeah. I don't understand it, either. Crazy internet...

GMs Set To Overspend On Second Choices

2010-06-20T13:22:00.000-07:00

We've all spent too much money on something we really wanted.

But imagine if every time you went shopping, there was only one of the specific item you were shopping for. And you were bidding against 30 other shoppers with just as much money as you.

Such is life for the NBA General Manager.

Every GM knows that LeBron James and Dwyane Wade officially go on the market on July 1st. Those two are the big ticket items. Huge contract guys, no question. GMs are ready and willing to break the bank for them, and with good cause. They're both excellent, multidimensional players who are still in their respective primes. They both know how to win in the post-season. They both sell tickets.

Most experts agree that James and Wade will test the waters, solicit some wooing, and then go running back to their current situations to sign max deals at home. They'll also set the market price in the process.

So then you've got a second-tier group of guys like Dirk Nowitzki, Chris Bosh, Amar’e Stoudemire, Carlos Boozer, David Lee and Joe Johnson. They probably shouldn't be max contract guys but because of the seller's climate mentioned above, it'll take near max money to get them. (Sorry, Dallas fans, but Dirk does not belong in the conversation with LBJ and Wade, he just doesn't.)

It's this second group that will get GMs fired. These 'next best thing' players will have pretty good regular seasons and then get ousted by the league's best players in the playoffs, just like they always do. It happens every season. The GMs know this, too; they know they shouldn't spend max money on these dudes. But they will, anyway. And then they'll get fired for it within three years. Bet.

Look around the league and you'll notice that non-playoff teams are usually paying their highest salaries to guys that aren't proven winners. For instance...

Nets- Bobby Simmons $10,560,000
Knicks- Tracy McGrady $23,239,561
Sixers- Elton Brand $14,858,471
Pacers- Troy Murphy $11,047,619
Wizards- Gilbert Arenas $16,192,080
Grizzlies- Zach Randolph $16,000,000
Hornets- Peja Stojakovic $14,202,000
Wolves- Al Jefferson $12,000,000
Warriors- Monta Ellis $11,000,000
Clippers- Baron Davis $12,150,000
Kings- Larry Hughes $13,655,268

Most of these disappointing and expensive players are no longer with the team that signed him to these bloated contracts in the first place. Now they're just valuable trade chips, expiring contracts, whatever. My point is that your highest paid player needs to be dominant. High paid guys who aren't legit MVP candidates absolutely kill a team. Yet GMs keep paying top dollar for them, anyway.

So why does this keep happening?

Well, GMs can't come home from the shopping spree empty-handed. Fans want them to spend that money to stay competitive, whether it's on the ideal player or not. The Marketing Department needs a new face to put on the billboards. Season tickets need to be sold. So most of these GMs prefer to make a dumb decision instead of no decision at all.

In a couple weeks, two lucky teams will get their money's worth and sign James and Wade. Everyone else will bid against each other for the right to overspend. Good luck, suckers!

Pictured: 23 Million Dollar Man

Ron Finds His Happy Place

2010-06-18T08:58:00.000-07:00

It was Hagler/Hearns out there. Pittsburgh vs Baltimore in the AFC Championship Game. And even though nobody got stabbed with a table leg, Ron Artest found himself right at home amidst the chaos.

In the biggest game of his life, Artest was the best basketball player on the court. Two games after Laker fans were openly pining for the good ol' days of Trevor Ariza, Ron Ron proved he belonged here on the game's biggest stage.

And the Lakers really needed him, too. Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol wilted under the intense pressure. Derek Fisher was hobbled. And Boston played an absolutely perfect first half of basketball, text book defense that had the defending champs completely stymied for the first 24 minutes.

If you missed the game and relied on the box score to provide your context, you'd notice that Pau and Kobe had 19 and 15 rebounds, respectively. You might think to yourself, "Hey, they played pretty well." No, they played like dog shit, both of them. They were tighter than a nun's vagina. The reason LA won that game was Ron Artest.

The refs basically swallowed their whistles for the first three quarters. "Let 'em play" was a major understatement. "No blood, no foul" was more like it. This state of anarchy had a soothing effect on Artest. Finally free of foul trouble, he just relaxed and played his game.

Plenty of people criticized LA for signing Artest this offseason. He was viewed as too volatile, too much of a wild card. It's strangely ironic that he'd win them a title in the wildest, most volatile game of the season.

In his post-game press conference, a wide-eyed Artest continued to amaze, expressing delight and surprise that alpha-male Bryant actually trusted him to take and make those big shots.

"Kobe passed me the ball! He never passes me the ball!"

Yes, he did, Ron. Yes, he did.

And even though Bryant took home the award for series MVP, it was Ron everyone was talking about well after the game concluded. It was Ron with a +40 for the series, best on the team. It was Ron that ripped that key rebound away from Glen Davis. It was Ron that scored that clutch and-one in the 4th. It was Ron that held Pierce to 5-15. And it's Ron that Boston will be seeing in their sleep for the next four months.

As Queensbridge's own Mobb Deep might say "Survival of the fit, only the strong survive."

Pictured: true warrior

Game 7 Goat Rodeo

2010-06-17T15:38:00.000-07:00

Mention John Starks and most basketball fans immediately think of the 2-18 game. Sure, he's also known for working at a supermarket and left-handed dunking on Horace Grant (not Michael Jordan, sorry). But his legacy will always be that horrific shooting night because of the sheer magnitude- it happened in Game 7 in the NBA Finals. Starks saved his worst performance for the biggest stage.

We all know by now that "Havlicek stole the ball." Know who he stole it from? It was a crappy pass by Hal Greer. Old-timers know what I'm talking about. Greer scored over twenty thousand career points but he's still on TV every year, throwing that same shitty pass to Havlicek. That's his signature moment.

Tonight in Game 7, someone will step up to the challenge and play his best game when the pressure is on. Someone will be the hero. And someone else might choke harder than Nick Anderson (I know it wasn't G7, just making a point).

The array of candidates is intriguing, to say the least.

Ron Artest combines an awful looking jumpshot with some terrible decision making to jump right to the top of this list. Laker fans wince whenever he dribbles.

Rajon Rondo is 4-17 from the line in this series. Can't you see that snowballing? What if he has a Shaq night where he's like 5-21 from the stripe and they lose by a bucket? What if he airballs a pair down 1 with no time on the clock?

Pau Gasol has a tendency to flip the ball at the rim instead of dunking it. Instead of gathering himself and going up strong, he'll put up a little hook shot. What if he misses a game-winning chippy at the buzzer, Patrick Ewing-style, when he could have easily dunked?

And then you've got Big Baby, who drools when he's happy and cries when he's upset. He's also got an amazing propensity for missing layups. He could easily be the next Charles Smith, getting a number of his attempts rejected as time runs out.

Tonight, someone will step up and steal the spotlight. There's also a very real possibility that someone else fucks up like never before and immortalizes himself for all the wrong reasons.

Pictured: Starks' fateful night

Game 7- Desperate Times

2010-06-16T21:09:00.000-07:00

Desperation is the raw material of drastic change.

-William S. Burroughs

The general consensus after LA's 89-67 shellacking of Boston in Game 6 seems to be that momentum has now swung solidly in favor of the home team and that the battered and beaten Celtics will simply roll over and die on Thursday night. So thorough was last night's ass-whupping that people have conveniently forgotten that this is the same band of scrappy Cs that won here in Game 2. You remember Game 2, don't you? It was the game immediately after the last beatdown LA put on the Cs.

Yahoo's Adrian Wojnarowski made an interesting point today: 'the desperate team has won every game in this series.' He's absolutely right.

And who's the desperate team now? Boston is. They're the underdog again and the role suits them.

Now, I'm not saying Boston's gonna win. The Perkins injury is HUGE. They were already undersized and now they're forced to rely on Big Baby Davis, the drooling manchild who's a paltry 5/19 from the floor at Staples in these Finals. He's also 1/5 from the line. Yet this is the same Big Baby Davis who's promising that they're going to shock the world and hoist the trophy again.

So, can they do it? It's going to take Herculean efforts from all of their Big 4. Pierce and Allen need to shoot well. Rondo needs to penetrate. KG needs to rebound and defend ferociously. Their bench players need to make shots and provide energy. None of these things happened in Game 6. Not one. They also lost practically every loose ball. And they missed wide open layups like their names were Kwame and Luke.

Because their offense was such a trainwreck, it's easy to gloss over the fact that Boston still held the mighty Lakers to 89 points on 41% shooting. Yeah. Makes you think a bit, doesn't it? 89 points on 41%. If that happens again on Thursday, the Celtics win the championship. And then we get to see Big Baby slobber all over the trophy. Again. Nom nom.

I fully expect the Cs to come out like caged animals and give the defending champs a fight to the buzzer. LA better get their rest tonight. They're gonna need it if they want to make Baby cry.

Pictured: I haz a sad

Do Lakers Have "Heart Of A Champion"?

2010-06-15T08:21:00.000-07:00

Wow, how quickly people jump off the bandwagon. Since Boston beat LA in Game 5, I've heard some pretty bold statements:

"This series is over."
"Kobe doesn't care about his team."
"Phil Jackson is a frontrunner who can't adapt or adjust."
"I'd rather have Glen Rice or Gary Payton than Ron Artest."

Yes, I know. And the Rice/Payton comment was from a Laker fan!

But I'd like to remind everyone that 16 years ago, the Houston Rockets came home trailing the rough and tumble New York Knicks 3-2. Hakeem Olajuwon/Kenny Smith/Sam Cassell and company had just been mauled in Games 4 and 5 by Pat Riley's band of roughnecks led by Patrick Ewing, Charles Oakley and John Starks. I don't need to point out that Houston then won two hard-fought battles to bring home the title. As coach Rudy T said, "Never underestimate the heart of a champion."

In that series, coincidentally, Houston also won G1 at home, lost G2, won G3 on the road, then lost G4 and G5- the exact pattern of this series. Check it out.

Those plucky Rockets prevailed by playing good D, riding their superstar (Dream) and making open shots when NY double-teamed.

So here's how the Lakers can turn this thing around:

Kobe as QB
To use a football analogy, the Cs are bringing blitzes and Kobe keeps running into the line of scrimmage. He needs to audible more. Given that the entire Boston scheme is built around making him take tough, long shots, Kobe needs to resist the urge to hold the ball. Remember how the 49ers always used to win Super Bowls by passing on first down? Same thing here. Kobe can still get his shots, but he needs to look for them in transition and on the catch. When he dribbles and pump fakes, he plays right into their hands by allowing their D to get set.

Keep Pau moving
Boston's got three of the best low-post defenders in the league (KG, Perk, Sheed). LA needs to stop setting Gasol up on the low block and assuming he can operate there. Too often he gets pushed out of position or hurried into a lousy pass. Give him the ball in motion near the FT line or elbow. He can make that jumper or kick out to shooters.

Make outside shots
With so much attention being paid to Kobe and Pau, Derek Fisher should get lots of open 3s. He and Sasha Vujacic are the only consistent outside threats. They both need to be aggressive in looking for their perimeter game. It's the only way to get Boston out of the paint and free up room for the bigs.

Pound the offensive glass
With so much help rotating to Kobe, there's lots of room for everyone else to look for second chance opportunities. Gasol's already doing this pretty effectively but Odom and Artest need to follow his lead.

Jam the outlet
When Celtic bigs get a defensive board, they're looking for a long outlet to Rajon Rondo. Laker bigs need to contest this pass before getting back in transition.

Stay with Rondo at all times
As stated above, the Cs are getting lots of early offense by finding Rondo in space. Phil needs to have Kobe/Fisher/Farmar/Brown do what Tyronn Lue did to Iverson in 2001- stay close to him and try to keep him from catching the ball. In the halfcourt, Kobe needs to stop leaving RR to help the post. This will eliminate his backdoor cuts and keep him off the boards. When Rondo does get into the paint, hammer him. Dude's shooting 4-15 from the stripe- make him think about it.

Put Odom in attack mode
Lamar needs to push the ball and get into the painted area. Good things happen when he's aggressive on both ends. In the 4th quarter, when Boston traps Kobe like they always do, Odom needs to be the one who creates offense, for himself and for others.

Play over the Paul Pierce P/R
Instead of just switching on the high screen-roll, use that second defender to attack and make PP pick up the dribble. They might even get some turnovers and easy buckets this way. So far, they're letting Pierce size up the defense before making his move. As a result, he's shooting in rhythm, and as we saw in Game 5, that's a scary proposition for any defender.

Play together
Too often in Game 5, I saw Laker players sulking and pointing fingers at each other. Boston loves that, they feed on it. It's like giving spinach to Popeye. In order to beat this formidable opponent, LA needs to play together and believe in themselves.

Boston played as well as they could possibly play last game. The Lakers have taken their best shot. Now it's their time to answer back.

Pictured: Dream and team

In G5, Team Defeats Superstar

2010-06-13T23:03:00.000-07:00

Everyone was waiting for an explosion from Kobe Bryant. In Game 5, it finally happened. Bryant scored 23 consecutive Laker points. It didn't matter.

Behind excellent efforts from Paul Pierce, Rajon Rondo and Kevin Garnett, Boston imposed their will yet again, putting a convincing 92-86 defeat on the defending champs and sending them back to LA with a 3-2 deficit and some serious confidence issues.

So far in the series, Bryant's been relatively contained by a Celtics defense geared specifically to stop him. It's similar to Chuck Daly's old Jordan Rules but without the hard fouls. Any time Bryant attacks, there's a help defender waiting. They're daring other Lakers to beat them and tonight, it worked to perfection. Bryant put up 38 but nobody else scored more than 12. Now the Celtics are one win away from their 18th banner.

The strange thing about Bryant's eruption is that he played a really bad game. Seriously. He took ridiculously difficult shots against multiple defenders. He made a jumper from five feet beyond the arc. He hit a floater over two guys going full speed across the lane. Time and again, Bryant defiantly attacked the Prevent Kobe defense, as if to say "Your entire team can't stop me." And he was right. Kind of. The thing is, if I'm Boston, those are the shots I want him taking. What I don't want is him moving the ball and exploiting matchup problems elsewhere.

Doc Rivers had some other tricks up his sleeve, too:

-He isolated Paul Pierce at the top against Ron Artest, giving him more floor space to work with.

-On defense, Boston backed off Artest and goaded him into taking outside shots. Good strategy. Ron earned another scornful "Way off!" from Mike Breen for one particularly gruesome brick.

-Boston continues to attack Pau Gasol on both ends. When Pau has the ball, they push him off the block and pressure him into quick decisions. On offense, they're having KG face him up whenever possible. Boston obviously views Pau as the weak link.

And what strategy have the Lakers employed to counter all of Boston's adjustments? They seem content to see if Kobe can beat the Celtics by himself. In all likelihood, that's not gonna happen. Phil?

Pictured: Bryant against the world

G4- Nate & Baby Make Fugly Beautiful For C's

2010-06-11T09:04:00.000-07:00

Seeing little Nate Robinson piggybacking a drooling Big Baby, both men primal screaming to the rafters, burned an indelible image into my brain that will never fade, no matter how many cocktails or prescription pills I ingest. I was simultaneously repulsed and delighted. In an already hideously fugly game, this moment was so brazenly fugly that it was...well, beautiful. Easily the moment of the Finals so far.

Led by the hulking Davis and the hyperactive Robinson, Boston scored 34 points in the 4th quarter to even this thing up. Now it’s a best-of-three with two in LA.

Make no mistake, this was a must win for Boston. They couldn’t go down 3-1 with the next two out of three on the road. A case could be made that in every game this series, the team that had to win actually did. Think about it: LA had to win Game 1 or they lose home court. Boston had to win G2 to steal home court back. Ditto for LA in G3. And now Boston had to win G4 because, in all likelihood, they couldn’t win two in a row in Staples. Following that theory, G5 is also a must win for Boston.

And I’m sorry but I have to trot this tired cliché out there: Boston wanted it more. They were more physical, more active, more desperate. Most of the night, the Lakers seemed content to take long jumpers and complain to the refs. Is this the product of having a comfortable series lead? Probably.

In this back and forth battle between two evenly matched teams, G4 also provided some interesting new developments.

The game started with Paul Pierce handling the ball more up top. This gave him more room to escape the greedy clutches of Ron Artest. It also took the ball out of the hands of Rajon Rondo, the Celtic Phil Jackson fears most. Speaking of Rondo, that gangly Martian is now 4-15 from the FT line in the Finals. Shaq would be ashamed. And I'm tired of the "his hands are too big" argument. Amare Stoudemire is 80% from the line. Yao Ming is 80% from the line. Rondo is simply a bad FT shooter who needs a lot more practice. Stop blaming the hands.

For the Lakers, Andrew Bynum’s balky knee remains a dilemma. He played sparingly and when he was on the court, he could barely get off the ground. How he heals (or doesn’t heal) could determine who wins this thing. When Pau Gasol is forced into being The Big Man, the Lakers drift into ‘soft’ territory again.

Ron Artest continued to provide unintentional comedy with his horrendous offense. At one point, Ron Ron bricked a jumper so badly that Mike Breen guffawed “Way off!” In that instant, I decided that I would only refer to him as Way Off Artest from now on.

And where was Luke Walton? After playing really well in G3, Luke didn’t get off the bench at all. During the brilliant Baby/Nate Show in the 4th, the team could’ve really used his savvy out there.

To the surprise of nobody, the referees were pretty bad. Again. Rasheed Wallace, in particular, was the victim of some heinous whistles. Derek Fisher, the Lakers best player in the series so far, got his 2nd foul early for basically getting trampled by Pierce.

But this wasn’t a game about refs. Or Kobe Bryant. Or Kevin Garnett. Or any of the marquee names we’re so used to hearing. This was a game about Davis and Robinson. For three quarters, I felt like I was watching the Spurs/Cavs. The game was that bad. Then the little, big man and the big, little man came to the rescue.

Pictured: short bus

G3: Momentum Swing & Fisher King

2010-06-09T09:40:00.000-07:00

The Celtics came out with primal screams and a sweaty coach. Europe’s amazingly shitty song, The Final Countdown, blared in TD Banknorth and the crowd was brimming with hatred for all things Los Angeles. When House Of Pain’s seminal classic, Jump Around, came on, it felt like the roof was gonna blow off the joint.

Then the game started. And for the first five minutes, Boston maintained that level of intensity. Kevin Garnett, time traveling back a decade, sprinted up and down the court for dunks and lay-ins.

Ron Artest picked up two quick fouls. Phil Jax had to call a timeout to wake up his shell-shocked team, which couldn’t score or get stops, trailing 12-5.

Luke Walton came in for Artest and immediately, Laker spacing and ball movement improved markedly. Bigs got more touches in the paint. Less dribbling, more cutting. The refs started blowing the whistle, resulting in foul problems for Perkins, Rondo and Pierce. Surely, those in attendance had to wonder whether Bennett Salvatore was destined to fuck them over yet again.

Lamar Odom banked in a ridiculous three that took all the air out of the building. On the flip side, the fugly shots that Boston was throwing up had no such luck, grazing the backboard and the front of the rim.

Laker guards clearly got the memo that it was not, in fact, OK to play under screens on Hall Of Fame sharpshooter, Ray Allen. Forced to dribble out of his sweet spots, Allen never found his rhythm, finishing an abysmal 0-13 from the floor, a game after setting an NBA Finals record for 3s made in one contest.

LA maintained control and a comfortable lead throughout most of the 2nd and 3rd quarters. Kobe Bryant was determined to make his mark on the game and aggressively look for his shot, prompting Mark Jackson to break out his “Kobe or not Kobe” Hamlet reference that made me puke in my mouth a little (Someone, anyone, give this clown a coaching gig so we don’t have to tolerate his ridiculous clichés!). When Bryant threw in a left-handed floater off a spin move, even the biggest Laker hater probably had a bit of a chubby.

Still the Cs hung around. Behind KG’s continued marksmanship and some inspired play from Glenn Davis, the home team closed to within six to end the 3rd, 67-61.

Boston carried that momentum over into the 4th, a quarter they’d won in each of the first two games so far. The crowd sensed another Laker collapse and broke into their Beat LA chant. Rondo scored inside to get Boston within 68-67, prompting another Jackson time out.

Then an unlikely thing happened: Derek Fisher took over, putting up eleven huge points in the 4th quarter. And he didn’t just make open spot-ups; the man scored in every way imaginable. While Boston's D was hounding Kobe into long contested long jumpers, Fish was putting his head down and attacking. On the game’s crucial sequence, Fisher got the ball on the break and scored over/through/around three different Celtic defenders for an and-one that gave LA an 87-80 lead and effectively clinched a 2-1 series advantage.

After the game, Fish did an interview with Doris Burke and teared up a bit. It was as if he suddenly realized how magnificent he’d been and was humbled by it. A truly touching display of vulnerability. Then again, he might have been having a Jesus Moment.

So LA stole back the home court. Now it’s on Boston to prove their mettle once again. Somehow, I don't think that'll be a problem.

Pictured: emotional rescuer

Stop The Flop

2010-06-08T17:42:00.000-07:00

The refs are catching lots of heat right now for nervously blowing their damn whistles whenever there’s contact- and yes, they’ve made LOTS of terrible calls in these Finals- but consider the possibility that they’re being deceived by Oscar-worthy actors, masters of deception who deliberately fuck with the integrity of the game.

Rajon Rondo is extremely skilled at the artful tumble. Set a good pick on him and down he goes. He flails around like a dying fish out there.

Derek Fisher (yes, I just used ‘fish’ as a segue- ugh) is also proficient at throwing himself to the hardwood in dramatic fashion. Each year, he’s among the league leaders in charges taken.

Pau Gasol’s been known to take a dive if you back him down in the post. Tallest man on the court and he goes down in a heap of grimaces if you bump him. Whatever. He’s European- it’s in their basketball DNA.

On offense, Kobe Bryant and Paul Pierce both do this annoying move where they ball fake to get their man in the air and then jump into his chest deliberately, begging for a call. It’s fucking weak.

Fans hate this shit. The league always says they’ll do something about it but they never do.

Here are my suggestions:

1 Review footage after games and fine the fuck out of obvious floppers. For instance, every time Ginobili throws his neck back and gets a bogus call, charge him $25K for it.

2 Discourage defenders from waiting for the offensive player to jump and then sliding in under their feet. This gets you punched in the face on the playground. It gets you rewarded in the NBA. Refs need to call that a block if the offensive player’s already airborne.

3 Officiate known floppers tighter than other players. If you have a rep for being a flopper, refs SHOULD discriminate against your pussy ass.

Having players flying around on the court needlessly is also really dangerous for unsuspecting teammates. How many times has a flopper fallen backwards into the knee of a big man standing under the hoop?

Don’t get me wrong- I think it’s perfectly OK for players to take charges. There’s nothing unmanly or disgraceful about holding your position and being knocked over. It’s the salesmanship that pisses me off.

Pictured: royal flop

Rondo, Ray Shred LA's Perimeter D

2010-06-07T08:44:00.000-07:00

In musical terms, rondo means that the principal theme is repeated several times.

In Game 2, the Lakers guards saw the same thing over and over again: Rajon Rondo running the ball down their throats. This resulted in a series of catch/shoot opportunities for the best catcher/shooter in the game, Ray Allen. Thanks to Rondo's penetration, Ray Ray broke the NBA Finals record by sinking 8 3s en en route to a ridiculously easy 32 points. But it was Rondo that pressured LA's D from the jump and it was Rondo that sewed up the victory with a brilliant 4th quarter to cap off a 19/12/10 triple double. And of course, there was his breathtaking ball fake on Andrew Bynum that will be replayed for generations to come.

In yet another game that was called too tightly for anyone's liking (67 FTs in each game so far- yikes!), the gritty Celtics overcame the Laker size advantage by moving the ball crisply to the tune of 28 assists. Team Green was also efficient, turning it over only 13 times. As Laker announcer Stu Lantz might say, "THAT will get it done."

Laker fans can take solace in the fact that Boston still has zero inside game to speak of. LA swatted 14 of their shots and changed countless others. Andrew Bynum received a standing ovation from the Staples crowd for his 7 blocks and multiple dunks. He and Gasol took turns smacking leather back into Celtic faces all night. Big Baby Davis had four of his offerings rudely returned, lending support to my campaign to officially change his nickname to Blocks Against.

Ron Artest played another excellent game on the defensive end, blanketing Paul Pierce into a 2/11 shooting night. In the Finals, PP is now 8/24. However, Ron Ron looked clueless on offense, particularly on the now-infamous possession with a minute left when he dribbled away the entire shot clock and then chucked up an off-balance brick. Brutal.

Also less than exemplary was Lamar Odom, who's picking up fouls at a rate of one per every three and a half minutes in the series. Candy Man will have to step up his game if LA plans on coming back home. Conversely, Odom's 6th man counterpart, Rasheed Wallace, played well off the bench for the second game in a row.

So on we go Boston, where a hostile crowd awaits, and an already classic battle will surely become that much more intense. This is the Finals everyone's been waiting for- two heavyweights going toe to toe, seeing who's got the stronger chin. This is Lakers/Celtics, after all. And that's a principal theme no true basketball fan will ever get tired of hearing repeatedly.

Pictured: the maestro

Calamity Ensues At Top-Secret Player Summit

2010-06-05T12:25:00.000-07:00

A sprawling estate on its own tropical island. LeBron James, Amar’e Stoudemire, Carlos Boozer, Chris Bosh, Jay Z and Drake are seated at a table made entirely of diamonds. A throng of media members and Nike reps surround them with cameras and microphones.

Dwyane Wade enters.

LBJ: What’s up, man? Glad you could make it. Get your jet parked OK?
Wade: Yeah, I put it next to the others.

Wade sits at the table. A sea of camera flashes go off.

Wade: What are all these people doing here? I thought we were keeping this on the DL.
LBJ: Oh, these are just some friends from the media. And my Nike peeps.
Wade: Cool, as long as Stern doesn’t find out.
LBJ: Oh, I handled Stern.
Wade: Handled him? Like you handled Brown and Ferry?
LBJ: Yep.
Wade: Damn.
LBJ: I ain’t playing.

LBJ and Wade share a congratulatory Masonic handshake. Wade notices Jay Z and Drake.

Wade: Hold up- that’s Jay Z! And the dude from the Sprite commercial!
LBJ: Yep, I thought y’all would be impressed so I brought them, too.

Drake opens a Sprite. Jay Z counts his money.

LBJ: OK, let’s get down to business. I’m tired of this losing shit. I want to run with dudes that win titles, not spend their time trying to get with my Mom.

Amar’e, Bosh and Boozer snicker. LBJ gives them a reproachful look. They hush.

LBJ: As I was saying, I’m all about winning. That’s why I gave up on my teammates. That’s why I had my coach and GM killed. They weren’t winners. They didn’t know how to get a ring.

Wade leans in to whisper to LBJ.

Wade: Dog, you know these other dudes don’t have rings, right?
LBJ: Wait, what?
Wade: Yeah.
LBJ: Oh. You got one though, right?
Wade: Yeah. I got one. With Shaq in 2006.
LBJ: The Shaq on my team?
Wade: Yeah. Well, he was on your team.
Boozer: Hey, we can’t hear what you guys are whispering about.
Bosh: Yeah. Whisper louder.
Amar’e (to Jay Z): Can I count your money?
Jay Z: Touch my money and we got problems.

Amar’e backs off. A tense moment. Drake sips his Sprite slowly.

LBJ: Alright, look. Nobody’s touching anyone else’s money. Chill. We’re here to figure out which of y’all is coming to Cleveland to help me win a ring.
Wade: Uh, well…actually I’m here to see which of y’all is coming to Miami.
LBJ: I’m from Cleveland, born and raised. I can’t leave.
Wade: Well I ain’t living in Cleveland, man.

A tense moment. Bosh and Boozer raise their hands enthusiastically.

Bosh: I’ll play in Cleveland. Or Miami.
Boozer: I have a home in Miami.
Amar’e: I’ll go wherever offers the most money. Seriously. I’ll play for the Nets.

Everyone cracks up. Drake does a spit take and sprays Sprite all over Jay Z. Jay Z punches Drake in the face, knocking him unconscious.

LBJ: The fuck, J?
Jay Z: Dude got Sprite on my money.

A puff of smoke and David Stern appears with an evil cackle.

Stern: Well, well, well. What have we here? A secret player summit, I presume.
LBJ: But…but…but…I killed you.
Stern: You can’t kill something that’s already dead.

Stern laughs maniacally.

Wade: Dang, we getting fined like a motherfucker.

Pictured: a toast- to money!

If Anyone's Soft, It's The C's

2010-06-04T08:31:00.000-07:00

Boston came out pushing. LA pushed back. The Cs tried to bully the Laker bigs and for a quarter, it kinda worked. Boston had tempo in their favor and trailed by only five, 26-21. Gasol had a nice statistical first quarter but was still spending lots of time flopping around and putting up weak shit (that was going in). Andrew Bynum, on the other hand, was proving to be harder to displace. The oft-maligned manchild camped out in the paint on both ends and there wasn't a damn thing any Boston player could do about it. He dunked, changed shots and generally looked about a foot taller than anyone else on the floor.

Also looming larger than usual was Satan incarnate, Joey Crawford, who seemingly chose to blow his whistle whenever he fucking exhaled. Honestly, that crew called one of the worst games I've ever seen called by any officials anywhere, and that includes twenty years worth of clueless douchebags getting paid $20 to work in C League. In particular, the call for Ray Allen's 5th foul was ridiculously awful. Tim Donaghy might have blushed at that one. But it's not like the zebras were only favoring LA. There were also headscratching calls against Fisher and Kobe, phantom calls that put starters on the bench. 67 FTs. Weak. Hopefully, that crew doesn't see the court again in this series.

Speaking of not seeing the court, Michael Finley made a surprise entrance and was so unspeakably bad on D that Doc pulled him after two minutes. Two minutes. I'm guessing we won't see Old Mike again. Nate Robinson, hailed as a savior for his shooting in Game 6 against Orlando, now is left to wonder why that busted old man got off the bench ahead of him. Bad coaching move by Doc.

The game was relatively close until Artest and Fisher (both saddled with foul problems, of course) re-entered the game in the 2nd and pushed the lead to double digits for the first time.

But the 3rd is where the wheels fell off for Boston. Kobe had a breakaway dunk to push the lead to 13 and nobody from the Cs was back on D. Nobody. I can't remember the last time I've seen that from this team. Rivers called timeout to try and inspire his troops. A couple minutes later, Artest hit a three to push the lead to 20, 84-64.

The fourth quarter was a complete non-issue.

Rajon Rondo, Boston's playoff MVP, was effectively muzzled by Kobe Bryant. He got free for a couple layups early but it was only because Bryant left him to double. Like most other Celtics, Rondo spent the large portion of the evening allergic to the painted area.

So what happened to this clash of the titans that we've all been waiting for? It fell really, really flat. The tough guys got punched in the grill and responded by going home and crying to their mommas. And I'm sure Team Green is spending a lot of time today blaming Joey Crawford but honestly, they got punked. They got pounded on the glass. They shot more jumpers than the Mavericks. And they played D like Los Suns.

If they come out in some pussified zone to hide their deficiencies in Game 2, we'll know this series is probably over.

Pictured: shook ones

Lights Out At Staples

2010-06-02T14:04:00.000-07:00

LA's home playoff record of 8-0 this year is well documented. Most attribute this advantage to a marked increase in effort from the Laker players, and to a lesser degree, more advantageous whistles from the refs.

But maybe there's more to it. Maybe it has something to do with the court itself, or more specifically, how it's lit.

Before the 2006/7 season, the folks at Staples Center decided to emulate the lighting plan used at MSG. Thus began the Lights Out era. If you're not familiar with Lights Out, the basic premise is that once the game begins, all lights in the building dim except for those focused directly on the court, giving the game a very dramatic vibe, almost like a concert or Broadway play.

Time after time, opponents have wilted under the spotlight.

In that inaugural season, LA went 25-16 at Staples despite starting Kwame Brown and Smush Parker. Conversely, they were a dismal 17-24 on the road. In 2008, aided by the Pau Gasol acquisition/pillaging, the Purple & Gold improved their home record to to 30-11. Last year's title team went 36-5. This year's squad? 34-7.

Recently, we've seen the Thunder, Jazz and Suns tighten up when the lights go down. Boston could be next.

Ever shoot a J with no depth of field?

King Nothing

2010-05-18T10:09:00.000-07:00

Just want one thing
Just to play the king
But the castle's crumbling
And you're left with just a name

-King Nothing, Metallica

No, I'm not about to compare LeBron James to Metallica. But if you've seen Some Kind Of Monster, you'll know that the egomaniacal douchebag factor is about even. Anyway, on to my point...

Yesterday I rewatched Game 6 of Celtics/Cavs to try and figure out what happened, exactly (and yes, maybe I was looking for telltale signs that Delonte West actually was banging Gloria James). What I discovered was that even though LeBron put up 27/19/10, he was so emotionally distant that his weak-minded team crumbled without his leadership. In the most important game of the year, The King threw a sullen bitch fit. And he spent such an inordinate amount of time tongue-lashing Mo Williams that for a second I wondered if Terez Owens had fingered the wrong teammate in MomGate. Granted, LBJ also ignored Delonte West entirely, choosing to sit as far away from him on the bench as possible. Appearing rattled and out of sorts, West performed terribly. But nobody played as badly as Antawn Jamison, who missed layups, turned the ball over and blew every conceivable defensive assignment. Yet James offered no words of support or encouragement for any of his struggling compatriots. No leadership at all. He just sulked. And sulked.

When I was seventeen I dreamed of being king and
Having everything I wanted
But that was long ago and
My dreams did not unfold so
I'm still the king of nothing

-King Of Nothing, Seals And Crofts

Yeah, Seals And Crofts. What?!?

Now, I don't agree with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's theory that LeBron needed more schooling to grow up emotionally. Dude's been in the league seven years now. And it's not like being the Big Man On Campus tempers an inflated ego (holla back, Christian Laettner). But that was straight up childlike behavior he exhibited out there in Game 6. The only thing The King didn't do is cry and take the ball home with him once it was all over.

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

-Hurt, Nine Inch Nails

This king is not worthy of anyone's servitude. Futhermore, now would be an ideal time for his loyal subjects in Cleveland to examine their allegiance. Their leader just abandoned them when they needed him most. And now he's about to parade his ass around the league like some high-priced ho at All Star Weekend.

At least he'll have his puppet to play with. And the two-story closet for all of his shoes.

Kings lose crowns
But teachers stay intelligent

-Criminal Minded, Boogie Down Productions

Oh, and here's the real King James, btw. This guy actually accomplished some shit, like hunting witches and torturing innnocent people.

Thunder- Latest Team Of The Future

2010-05-06T09:42:00.000-07:00

Congratulations and hearty backslaps to the Oklahoma City Thunder (AKA SuperStolens, Zombie Sonics), the NBA's latest team of tomorrow. With an impressive showing against the defending champs, the Thunder staked their claim to being the squad that everyone's picking to win the title five years from now. Yes, the future looks bright for Durant and company.

The only snag is that the future never arrives. As Buckaroo Banzai once famously said, "Wherever you go, there you are." And where the Thunder are right now is home watching someone else compete for the title.

Think I'm being harsh? Ask the New Orleans Hornets about the future. Ask Greg Oden and the Blazers. Ask the Arenas/Jamison/Butler Wizards. Stuff happens. People get injured. Egos clash.

In 1997, Michael Jordan tabbed the Washington Bullets, a band of pups led by Chris Webber, Rod Strickland and Juwan Howard, the "team of the future." Yeah, that worked out well. A year later, C-Webb was shipped to Sacto, where he formed the nucleus of yet another champion-to-be (fittingly the runner-up in Ball Don't Lie's also-rans of the Aughts column).

Who can forget the promising triumvirate of Kidd/Mashburn/Jackson (The Big 3 In Big D- sounds like bad porn) supposedly being splintered by Toni Braxton? Y'know, Toni Braxton. Yeah.

After soundly thumping LeBron's Cavs in the Finals in '07, Tim Duncan consoled James by telling him, "Some day you're going to own this league." From a marketing perspective, Timmy was spot-on. Four years later, however, the King is still without his crown. Maybe that could change this year. Maybe not. The prodigious Orlando Magic, fresh off their own disappointing turn in the Finals, stand in their way.

And of course, waiting out West are the game's biggest clutch performer and its greatest coach. No, I'm not talking about Channing Frye and Alvin Gentry.

Spiritual and holistic types are constantly reminding us to stay in the moment. "All we have is right now." I prefer John Lennon's way of looking at it: "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans."

Pictured: Bullet Boys (sorry, no Kip Winger)

Grace Out, Fugly In

2010-04-29T11:53:00.000-07:00

No more Dwyane Wade for this year's playoffs. Bummer. Dude's one of the most electrifying players ever. And he's good for at least one "how the fuck did he do that?" moment per game. His flush on Varejao was easily the most impressive play of this season to date. Nothing else even comes close.

Stephen Jackson's done for the year, too. Hobbled and humbled, Jax went out timidly as his 'Cats lost in four straight. The only time he showed any fire is when his headband was dislodged.

Also officially on vacation is the explosive Derrick Rose, whose Del Negros were no match for Cleveland.

That's three exciting players we won't be seeing again for awhile. Boo. Instead we get an extra helping of Matt Barnes and Floppy Varejao. Yay.

Now, I'm not one to favor style over substance but I'm terrified of a Magic/Spurs or Cavs/Spurs Finals. That's some fugly basketball right there. Like 70-62 final score fugly. Like 20 missed FTs fugly. Like lowest Nielsen ratings in major sports finals history fugly.

Pictured: foul on you, Dwight

Playoff Counter Punches

2010-04-26T16:18:00.000-07:00

Some good coaching going on this week in the playoffs.

Alvin Gentry realized pretty quickly that Steve Nash was getting dominated by Andre Miller. So the oft-maligned skipper of the Suns put old-ass forward Grant Hill on Andre. He also told Hill to extend his D to 3/4 length and to deny him the ball. On paper, you look at this move and think "How the hell can that work? Hill's older than dirt and he doesn't have the footspeed to stay with a PG, right?" Wrong, actually. That one move changed the tone of the series. After getting blown out in Game 1, the Suns have won three of four since the adjustment.

Doc Rivers witnessed Dwyane Wade annihilating his Cs in the first half of Game 1. In the 2nd half, he started doubling the superstar and making lesser members of the Heat beat them. It worked. Boston won the first three games of the series using that same strategy before Wade erupted for 46 to stave off elimination.

Scott Skiles made a minor tweak, too. After losing Games 1 and 2, he switched Luc Richard M'bah A Moute from Joe Johnson onto Josh Smith. The Deer won twice at home since that assignment change, although many would argue that the Hawks just suck donkey balls on the road.

Pictured: Snotty Scotty screaming "DEL-FIIIII-NOOOOOOO!!!!"

First Punches Thrown

2010-04-19T17:35:00.001-07:00

You've heard it mentioned numerous times before: teams that win Game 1 usually end up winning a seven-game series.

Well, in an exciting and physical round of Game 1s, some very important precedents were established over the weekend.

Cleveland welcomed Shaq back and the big fella looked motivated and surprisingly agile. If O'Neal plays that well on a nightly basis, the Cavs will crush not only Chicago but the rest of the East.

UPDATE: Saddled with foul trouble, O'Neal was less effective in Game 2 but the Cavs won anyway.

Atlanta's frontcourt did whatever they pleased against the Bucks bigs. Brandon Jennings returned the favor by galloping right past the horrifically bad defense of Mike Bibby and Jamal Crawford.

Boston decided to start doubling Wade in the second half and the Heat predictably folded. The Cs would have had major momentum going into Game 2...but then KG had one of his rabid spells and got himself suspended.

Steve Nash cannot guard Andre Miller. The Blazers have now won 16 of 20. They're a different team with Camby. Still, the Suns missed so many wide open shots, shots they usually make in their sleep.

Speaking of snoozing, the Bobcats are probably seeing Dwight Howard in their dreams. The dude blocked nine shots against a team that wasn't even going inside most of the game. Ridiculous. Anyone who doesn't vote Howard for DPOY should be shot in the face.

Dirk scored at will over all of San Antonio's power forwards, none of whom were Tim Duncan. Why no Duncan on Dirk, you ask? Because Duncan plays center and doesn't guard power forwards. Because Duncan isn't a power forward, despite what it will undoubtedly say on his tombstone. Yeah, I went there. Again. Tim Duncan. Center. Suck it, Hall Of Fame.

And of course, Ron Artest put his stink all over Kevin Durant. Welcome to playoff basketball, kid. It's gotta be kind of rough having Artest be the guy to bust your playoff cherry. Hopefully KD isn't too traumatized by the mauling Ron Ron put on him.

While we're on the subject of defense, the Jazz played none of it. Carmelo Anthony scored more easily than Tiger Woods at a strip club. Or a roadside diner. Or a hotel party hosted by Michael Jordan. OK, I'll stop.

Back to basketball...gotta maintain focus...focus...focus...shoot the shot the same way...

UPDATE: Jazz play better D, win Game 2 on the road. Yes, the Jazz won a road game.

Back to my original point. History says that whoever throws the first punch usually wins. However, it's hard to forget the Dallas Mavericks blowing that commanding 2-0 lead in The Finals against Wade's Heat a few years back. Sometimes a game is really just a game.

Pictured: best record in the L and a 2-0 lead. And Keith Van Horn.

Where FML Happens

2010-04-16T10:39:00.000-07:00

Sixteen fortunate teams begin the second season with renewed purpose tomorrow. But for all the downtrodden who didn't qualify for the playoffs, this is a time of reflection, a time to take inventory and figure out what went wrong. Many will look in the mirror today and think "Man, I really blew it this time. FML."

Gilbert Arenas
While his former Bullets mates Caron Butler, Antawn Jamison and Brendan Haywood prepare for meaningful games, Inmate Zero sits in a halfway house (no word yet on whether it's climate controlled), left to ponder the incredibly stupid decision to engage Javaris Crittendon in a firearm contest.

Allen Iverson
Memphis didn't work. Philly didn't work. Then his marriage didn't work. Now The Answer doesn't work. Bad bad bad year for AI.

Eddie Jordan
One season? The Thief Of Baghdad (Chick's nickname for him) never had a chance. He couldn't play uptempo with tree sloth Elton Brand in the lineup and he couldn't play slow because that team has no shooters. So when they lost (duh!), the team blamed the coach. Again. Consider this: whoever's hired next will be Philly's eighth coach in ten seasons.

The Mike Dunleavys
Senior saw his number one overall pick, Blake Griffin, go down for the year before playing a single game. Then he got fired from not one but two jobs. Junior was injured himself for much of the year but when he did play, he was lousy enough to barely see the court on a dreadful team. When you're white and can't get PT in Indiana, you know you suck.

Andris Biedrins
Brutal team. Injuries. And when he was healthy, he had to listen to Donny Boozeface rip him in the press every day for being such an abysmal free throw shooter (16%!!!). Did anyone have a less enjoyable campaign than Goose? Silver lining: slightly better haircut (see below).

So, thankfully, mercifully, the season is finally over for you unfortunate souls. I'm reminded of the time Nick Van Exel yelled "Cancun" instead of "defense" as the Lakers' season was winding down. Love Nick The Quick. My man.

And for you lucky winners, enjoy the playoffs. Maybe even sip the bubbly and kiss the trophy. Whatever happens, savor this time in the spotlight because next year, it could be you everyone's laughing about. For real.

Pictured: Goose lays eggs on 5 out of 6 of these, usually

20 Players I'd Rather Have Than Carlos Boozer

2010-04-01T16:04:00.000-07:00

I'm no fan of Carlos Boozer. And it's not because I live in Cleveland. Or attended North Carolina. I just happen to think he's one of the most overrated players in the game today. He's a great scorer, yes. He's also a mediocre defender and a me-first guy who's jerked around both organizations he's played for. And he's about to get BIG money from somebody else. With that in mind, here are 20 current stars I'd take over Booz right now.

1 Kobe
2 LeBron
3 Dwight
4 DWade
5 Durant
6 Melo
7 DWilliams
8 CP3
9 Dirk
10 Billups
11 BRoy
12 Pau
13 Amare
14 Bosh
15 DRose
16 Joe Johnson
17 JSmoove
18 Al Horford
19 Tyreke
20 Granger

I admit that these last five are cutting it pretty close. A case could be made that Booz lands squarely at 15 after Bosh. But you'd have to want Boozer on your team to think that way. I don't.

My apologies to vets like Duncan, J Kidd, Nash and the entire Big Three in Boston who are still getting it done (for the most part) but past their prime enough to keep them out of this conversation.

I also considered putting Yao in there but my man's been injured three times in four years. Bad news bears.

Pictured: Booz teaches Yao the inspiring Jazz theme song

Don't Blame KP For Oden Over Durant

2010-03-24T15:30:00.000-07:00

Since Tom Penn got axed last week, there have been all kinds of rumors going around that seem to indicate that Kevin Pritchard's days in Portland are numbered.

Now, I don't know what goes on behind closed doors so I'm not going to speculate on whether or not these rumors might be true. What I AM going to say is that if the hatchet does fall, it won't be because KP picked Greg Oden over Kevin Durant. Let's be clear on this. Management wanted Oden. The city of Portland wanted Oden. Kevin Pritchard? Dude wasn't so sure. He described Durant's workout for the team as the best he'd ever seen. And while every major sports outlet crowned Oden the next Bill Russell, KP was wringing his hands because he saw then in Durant what we're all seeing now- a perennial All-Star with limitless potential.

So to all you revisionist historians out there, blame Pritchard for his part in the underhanded Darius Miles bullshit. Blame KP for not knowing when to keep his mouth shut about his salary. But don't you dare blame him for pulling the trigger on Oden over Durant. He had an entire city helping him make that decision.

Pictured: trust me, you didn't hear many double honks in Portland

Limping Or Pimping?

2010-03-19T01:57:00.001-07:00

An 82 game season is no joke. Even the best conditioned, most well trained athletes in the world can't run for two hours on a hard surface every day of their lives without their bodies breaking down. And that doesn't even factor in all the times they get knocked to the floor or land wrong on an ankle. Or catch a Ron Artest elbow in the neck.

And injuries play a huge part in who wins the title every year, no doubt.

So with the playoffs just around the corner, I looked at the current contenders and asked "Are they limping or pimping?"

CLE Even though Diesel's out for a minute, the rest of their squad's in pretty good shape. Pimping.

LA Kobe's hand probably looks like a catcher's mitt these days but I'd be willing to bet he could play in the postseason even if they had to chop off a finger, Ronnie Lott-style. Still pimping.

ORL Remember when Vince Carter was a guy you could count on to miss at least 20 games? This is his fifth year straight with exemplary attendance. Wait, did I just jinx him? They're pimping.

DEN I don't think they'd win a title even if K-Mart was currently healthy enough to play. And Coach Karl has cancer. Limping. Hard.

BOS Collective Arthritic Reconstructed Rehabilitated Surgically Repaired Limping. The worst kind of limping 'cause it never goes away. Like herpes. Or Jay Leno.

I'm gonna stop there because nobody other than the teams above have a realistic shot at winner winner chicken dinner, right? I'm tempted to include the old-ass Spurs or the never-been-there Hawks or the jump-shooting Mavs but it's 2:30 AM and I'm tired. And this post is pretty fucking lame. G'night, John Boy.

Pictured: Kobe would play with nine fingers, right? No question.

I'm Kind Of Tripping Out On Ahmad Rashad

2010-03-15T09:02:00.000-07:00

Ahmad Rashad has been around FOREVER. When I was a kid, I had his NFL cards. Nice 'stache, man. Then...

...when I was a pimply teen, he got hitched to Mrs. Cosby. Now...

...he's a boy toy for this socialite/zombie/vampire/succubus. Whoa.

Keep me guessing, Ahmad. Maintain your air of mystery. And don't stop flashing that million watt smile.

Rafer's Career- Success Or Failure?

2010-03-13T12:00:00.000-08:00

Rafer "Skip To My Banishment" Alston is probably done in the NBA.

After being demoted to third string PG behind Carlos Arroyo and Mario Chalmers, Skip blew a fuse and suddenly decided to bail and put Heat coaches and officials on his 'pay no mind' list. Bad move. Maybe a career-ending one, too.

The irony is that, all things considered, Skip is somewhat of a success story. Despite playing for a low-profile college (Fresno State), Alston was drafted in '98 by the Bucks.

He played sparingly for a couple years in Milwaukee and Toronto, being shuffled up and down between the pros and their D League affiliates. He was this close to being out of the league entirely.

Then he got a chance to start for Miami in 2004 and proved he belonged, averaging 12/4 for a playoff team.

Houston traded for him and he was pretty good for them in 2006- 13/5, playoffs, among the league leaders in steals and 3s.

A couple years later, he was dealt again, this time to Orlando. With Jameer Nelson injured, he started at PG for a team that went all the way to the Finals. Many experts still believe Orlando would have won that series by playing Alston and Anthony Johnson against LA instead of rushing the hobbled Nelson back out there. Van Panic even admitted his mistake after the fact.

Then Alston was traded by Orlando to the Nets as part of the Vince Carter deal. They released him per his request so he could sign with a contender. He signed with Miami instead.

And now, here he is, lost in limbo. With lots of bridges burned. But if this is the last we see of Skip, let the record show that he played over a decade in the NBA and led three different teams to playoff berths. People are shitting on him right now but he fought against long odds and carved out a nice career for himself, even if it seems to be ending badly.

Pictured: playground legend, 2nd round pick, 11 year vet

A Haiku For Every Team

2010-03-11T09:28:00.000-08:00

When I'm not busy playing basketball or strumming my guitar, I like to achieve zen by sitting completely still and composing dreadful haikus about the NBA.

Here's a haiku for each team (in the traditional 5-7-5 syllabic format) summarizing their current state and what their future might look like.

Atlanta
Goodbye, Joe Johnson
Enjoy your time in New York
We'll miss you next year

Boston
These old creaky bones
Breaking down from all the miles
One last chance to shine

Charlotte
"Play the right way, guys"
Bow down before your savior
Still miss the playoffs

Chicago
Yay for Derrick Rose!
Why's Del Negro still our coach?
Did I mention Rose?

Cleveland
How to keep a King
Surround him with role players
Win the ring or else...

Dallas
So many jump shots
Another first round upset
Haywood Jablowme!

Denver
Memo to George Karl
You need a center to win
Nene's a forward

Detroit
Dumars the genius
Signed Gordon and Charlie V
Blame it on Kuester

Golden State
Poor Donny Boozeface
Going out with a whimper
Take Cohan with you

Houston
Winning without Yao
Daryl Morey knows his stats
Tough matchup next year

Indiana
Some dorky white guys
Plus 'overrated' Granger
Equals lottery

LA Clippers
Donald the slumlord
Why do you still have a team?
Run, Blake Griffin, run!

LA Lakers
So bored with it all
Saving it for the playoffs
Just like in '05

Memphis
There's no future here
Z-Bo's in a contract year
Gay's as good as gone

Miami
D Wade needs some help!
Carlos Boozer, come on down
It still won't matter

Milwaukee
Wow, Bogut can play!
But he's no Williams or Paul
Yep, had to go there

Minnesota
Hey, yo, David Kahn
Rubio ain't coming, dude
What's your backup plan?

New Jersey
Bro-Pez, the real deal
Jianlian, not so much
Chinese Keith Van Horn

New Orleans
Meka in the post
Not a good way to win games
Should Paul go elsewhere?

New York
"Come to us, Lebron!
Rebuild another loser"
Yeah, right. Keep dreaming.

Oklahoma City
Go, SuperStolens!
Erase the word, 'Seattle'
But still sell their swag

Orlando
We trust in you, Vince
To play D and take good shots
What were we thinking?

Philly
Oh, sure, fire the coach
'Cause that's the problem here, right?
Blow it up, rebuild

Phoenix
Amar'e opts in
Even though they don't want him
Get that money, kid

Portland
The future is now
Big deals for Roy and Aldridge
Sooooo, about Greg's knee...

Sacto
Who's Tyreke's big man?
Ol' tea baggin' Spencer Hawes?
Back to the draft, boys

San Antonio
Can Popozitz win
Without Tim Duncan around?
Do they sign Manu?

Toronto
Enjoying your shops
And Turkish community,
Mrs. Turkoglu?

Utah
No title for Sloan
Why? There's no jazz in Utah
And God hates Mormons

Washington
"We've still got Gilbert"
The sound of crickets chirping
And one hand clapping

Pictured: what you get by Googling 'zen basketball.' Yeeeaaaah.

Rug Barnes In Commanding Lead For America's Next Bruce Bowen

2010-03-10T12:24:00.001-08:00

With this amazing display of unbridled douchebaggery, Matt (Rug) Barnes has established a seemingly insurmountable lead in the race to become America's Next Bruce Bowen.

What the judges (me, basically) are looking for in this competition: dirty play, shit talking, ability to pester and distract, originality, flair, starters minutes AND (this is key) the occasional three point dagger to win a game but otherwise complete offensive ineptitude.

The loathsome Bowen, as any hoops fan can attest, set the bar pretty high. For over a decade, he kicked, tripped, headbutted, fondled and molested anyone Coach Popozitz assigned him to guard/rape. And sadly, the Spurs won a few titles that way. The prison strategy worked. So now every coach wants a 'Bowen-type' on their roster. But here's the catch: the Next Bruce needs to channel his douchebaggery in a way that actually helps win games. It's more than being a thug; it's being a productive thug. You can't win Next Bruce if your team isn't a contender. If you're out there douching it up and your team loses anyway, you're better suited for America's Next Danny Fortson (I see you, Reggie Evans).

It's going to take an impossibly disgusting effort from Floppy Varejao and Dirty Dahntay to close the gap this late in the season. But as they say, it ain't over until the fat lady punches you in the junk on a baseline screen. So get to grabbing, jerks! Make Uncle Bruce proud.

Pictured: Rug giving little Devin Harris the business

Loose Balls (Boules Lâches)

2010-03-07T16:05:00.001-08:00

*As you probably know, hip-hop legend Guru had a heart attack and fell into a coma last week. Sucks. I went back and listened to a few of my favorite Gang Starr/Guru songs, including Mass Appeal and this duet with Frenchman MC Solaar, Le Bien Le Mal. So good. Solaar kills that track. Just crushes it.

*Speaking of the French, Nic Batum, Ronny Turiaf (AKA Chocolate Moose), Roddy Beaubois and Boris Diaw are all currently starting and doing work for their respective squads. And Tony Parker would be too if he wasn't injured. Even Johan Petro got a start tonight. France is balling. C'mon, Mickael Pietrus! You let Matt Barnes take your spot, man? Sacre bleu!

*When I see Andray Blatche going ballistic for the moribund Wiz, it reminds me of that memorable run that Charlie Villanueva had for the Bucks in 2009. Or Anthony Randolph's brilliant close to last season that had GS fans openly discussing his Hall Of Fame credentials. It's a cliche but it's true: almost anyone in the NBA can put up numbers for a losing team when the games don't matter.

*I've been posting recently on Celtics 17 as well, although they probably hate me already for ripping the Nate and Finley signings. If anyone else is interested, they're still looking for writers/bloggers/contributors here.

Pictured: Guru's classic, Jazzmatazz

Batum's Weird Interview With French Gossip Rag

2010-03-03T12:45:00.000-08:00

Here's what Batum had to say to the French gossip rag, Maitre Fromager, after his recent strong play:

"Je suis le meilleur! Martell Webster pas pu retenir mes jockstrap. Et si Coach McMillan me tire de la programmation de plus, je vais avoir des relations sexuelles rugueux avec sa grand-mère."

Google translation tool here (requires a copy/paste on your part).

All About The Weapons

2010-03-03T10:34:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid, Converse Weapons were the shit. I rocked the black Celtics high tops; all my friends had the Lakers purple and gold. On the school playground where I played pickup ball, it wasn't uncommon to see an entire court full of Weapons with the occasional Adidas Ewings thrown in there, and maybe a Puma, Pony or New Balance. You didn't see a lot of Nikes back in the day.

Then this whole Nike/Jordan thing happened (check out the broken backboard at 2:32).

Converse never really got their momentum back once MJ stepped on the scene. And now Nike owns Converse so there you have it.

But at least Converse is back to making the Weapons again. Here's a limited edition model they put out for the SuperStolens recently. Goes nicely with the tortilla chip logo, don't ya think?

Pictured: "We dare you to follow our steps"

Have-Nots Enter Doldrums

2010-02-28T11:07:00.000-08:00

This is a special time of year for the good teams. Coaches are shortening rotations, playing to win, getting their playoff mojo ready. Every game matters as the elite squads jostle for home court advantage.

This is also the time of year when dreadful teams start getting mathematically eliminated and GMs ponder colossal tank jobs to land the Next Big Thing (in this instance, John Wall and his idiotic Bowzer dance). It's a depressing phenomenon. Players tune out coaches. Veterans sit out with fabricated illnesses. Fans flee in droves. And guys like Ramon Sessions play well enough for a month of meaningless games to secure ludicrous long term deals elsewhere. It's fucking horrible. Truly.

The situation with Golden State is beyond absurd. Donny Boozeface is closing in on the all-time wins record even though he's alienated the entire team and fanbase. If he breaks that record in Oakland, the fans in attendance might boo him. I know I would.

Poor Kurt Rambis. Man. It's hard to play the Triangle when you don't have anyone that can shoot. Hard to defend when your two best players are unathletic power forwards.

Nothing is overshadowing the Tyreke Evans Show in Sacto (can you imagine him and Wall in a backcourt together? Damn!) but Paul Westphal is providing a bizarre subplot by publicly tormenting young tea-bagger, Spencer Hawes. What's the point? You're 19-39, dude. Play the young guys, collect your check and STFU...

...like Flip's doing in Washington! Perhaps nowhere is the Tankfest more apparent than in the nation's capital. The Andray Blatche Era is upon us, even if only lasts 25 games. Also seeing big minutes are James Singleton, JaVale McGee and Randy Foye. Any day now, Mike Miller shuts it down with some obscure back injury.

Gotta give credit to Indy, NY, Detroit and the Clips, who still appear to be playing to win despite subpar records and little to no chance at the postseason. They're not very good but they don't know that and that's refreshing somehow.

And there's a soft spot in my heart for the Nyets, who are battling every night just so they don't break the all-time loss record. They just beat the Cs in Boston, for fuck's sake. Even taking the Nate Robinson Effect into account (Boston's -36 with him on the floor), that's still impressive.

Pictured: Yi showing much flex...not really

Attention, Rest Of League: Brandon Roy Will Be Taking Every Shot In Final Two Minutes

2010-02-26T20:02:00.000-08:00

Just watched another late lead disappear as Brandon Roy went one-on-five for every possession in the last two minutes. Yes, he's a fantastic player. Yes, he's a great finisher. No, he can't beat entire teams by himself.

Sorry, Nate. You're actually going to have to do some coaching if you want to win these close games. Just giving Roy the ball and praying to Jesus doesn't work. Every team in the league knows about your 'strategy' by now.

Pictured: old photo, same game plan

Get That Weak Sauce Outta Here!

2010-02-25T16:49:00.000-08:00

It's fairly common for NBA players to get their shots blocked. It happens to everyone, sometimes even multiple times in a game. Now that Yahoo! Sports is keeping track of the 'blocks against' category in their box scores, fans get to stay informed on who's getting rejected most frequently.

In last night's schedule of games, Brandon Roy, Jerryd Bayless, Al Horford, Marcus Thornton, Derrick Rose, Manu Ginobili, Amare Stoudemire, CJ Miles and Deron Williams all shared the glorious honor of the Weak Sauce Hat Trick- getting their feeble offerings airmailed back to them thrice each.

Not to be outdone, TJ Ford served up four marshmallows for the defense to play volleyball with.

Pictured: Ford in familiar territory

5 Reasons Antawn Ain't The Answer

2010-02-21T10:34:00.000-08:00

LeBron was looking for a sidekick, an equal, a fellow superstar to help him hoist multiple trophies. What Danny Ferry provided was Antawn Jamison. Here are 5 reasons I don't think Antawn's the answer to keeping the King in Cleveland:

1 He's ridiculously overpaid

2 He plays the same position as James

3 He's old

4 He's not a good defender

5 He's a career 33% 3p shooter in an offense where he'll be spotting up most of the time

For the past decade, Jamison's had the luxury of a permanent green light to shoot on an assortment of crummy teams. He's also gotten the ball in the low post frequently, something you probably won't see much of with Shaq on the roster. All signs point to Jamison struggling, especially coming over at the midway point without a training camp to learn Mike Brown's (ahem) 'offense.' Granted, Jamison's a lot better than the 0-12 stinker he put up last night but I think a reasonable expectation from him moving forward is 13/6 while taking key minutes away from Floppy Varejao, who's very effective in that (ahem) 'system.'

Ferry's had years to surround James with top tier talent and he's turned an open checkbook (and the allure of playing with one of the best players in history) into Mo Williams, Ben Wallace, Larry Hughes, Lorenzen Wright, Wally Szczerbiak, Jamario Moon, Joe Smith, Anthony Parker, old Shaq...and now Jamison. Here's Ferry's GM page which lists his career decisions. Notice that under Executive Of The Year, it says 'Never.' Unintentional comedy?

Pictured: Jamison auditioning to be LeBron's teammate

Ray-John, Rah-John or Rye-John?

2010-02-19T16:38:00.000-08:00

Celtics PG Rajon Rondo has the most commonly mispronounced named in the league. Network announcers usually say it 'Ray-John' but Celtics fans maintain it should be 'Rah-John.' To further complicate matters, this official NBA page suggests 'Rye-John.' RYE-JOHN?!?

And can someone give me a straight answer on Andray Blatche while we're at it?

Pictured: Rondo and fellow thespians

Rumors, Trades, Transactions And Trends

2010-02-17T09:36:00.000-08:00

Another shrewd move by Blazers GM Kevin Pritchard, obtaining Cotton Camby from the Clips for Steve Blake and Travis (Don't Call Me Bo) Outlaw. Next year, this gives the Blazers insurance in case Oden or Prezbo don't fully recover. This season, it makes them a potentially tough playoff matchup (assuming Roy's healthy by then). Kudos.

Heartfelt boos all the way around for sad sack Ernie Grunfeld, who's basically giving his players away. Butler AND Haywood for Josh Howard? And now he's contemplating Jamison for an assortment of the Cavs benchwarming scrubs. If David Stern penalizes teams for tanking to get into the lottery, why doesn't he punish them for tanking to save payroll? That team's a fucking disgrace.

Same goes for the Clips. No surprise there, really. Although I will give them credit for issuing Ricky Buckets his marching orders. I was astonished when they signed him in the first place. He hasn't been an NBA-quality player in three years.

Rumor monger Marc J Spears (who's right about .008% of the time) is putting word out that Boston is taking a hard look at Nate Robinson. First Marbury, now this. Ainge is turning back into a pumpkin, folks. At this rate, would anyone be surprised if Boston was a 20 win team again in three years?

Will Ferrell: "You gotta win to get love!"

Loose Balls

2010-02-05T18:16:00.000-08:00

*Wanna hear something funny? Hasheem Thabeet has four assists this year. Four. In 485 minutes played.

*Speaking of black holes, the biggest ballhogs in the league who play at least 30 minutes a game are as follows: Brendan Haywood (33 mins/0.4 assists), Emeka Okafor (30.5/0.6), Andrea Bargnani (34.4/1), Elton Brand (30.9/1.3) and Michael Beasley (31.6/1.3). Supposed PG Jamal Crawford logs 30 minutes nightly yet only averages 2.9 dimes per contest.

*Moving on, I think the NBA should make knee and elbow pads part of the uniform next year. Something like this, maybe- super soft and lightweight. There's no reason players should keep cracking their kneecaps together or catching inadvertent elbows to the teeth.

*Another change I'd like to see would be a tighter time limit on free throws. Maybe :05 to shoot from the time the player receives the ball from the ref. Over the course of four quarters, I'm convinced this would shave off a half hour of pure drudgery. And it wouldn't allow the pace of the game to slow or settle every time someone got fouled. As it is now, that's just two minutes of 'complain time' for every ref-baiting asshole in the league.

*Now that Channing ("Small") Frye has been named to the All-Star weekend's 3 point contest, his transformation from 'big man' to 'wing player' is officially complete. He joins an esteemed list of giants recognized for their ability to negate both their size and strength in favor of the 30 foot jumper. If Raef Lafrentz was still alive today, he'd be very proud. Ditto for Paul Mokeski, Tom Chambers, Rik Smits, Bill Laimbeer, Manute Bol and Memo Okur. Just kidding, all these guys are still alive...and probably shooting jumpers somewhere this very minute.

Pictured: Small Frye using his size...to fadeaway from distance

The Highs And Lows Of TJ Ford

2010-02-04T11:05:00.000-08:00

It's hard to feel sorry for anyone who gets paid millions of dollars to play professional basketball. Seriously.

But I started thinking about TJ Ford today and honestly, that guy's had it rough (for a millionaire who's probably never had a REAL job).

Here's a quick recap of the rollercoaster ride that's been Ford's basketball career:

After winning two state titles in high school, Ford was diagnosed with spinal stenosis, a degenerative disease that narrows and compresses the spinal cord and surrounding nerves.

He played two phenomenal seasons at Texas U, winning both the Naismith AND the Wooden Awards as a sophomore.

He turned pro and was taken eighth overall by the Milwaukee Bucks. He was in the midst of a productive rookie season when Mark Madsen delivered a hard foul that slammed the little guy into the hardwood. The result was a contusion of the spinal cord, a life-threatening injury that kept him out of action for almost a season and a half. When he finally returned, the team had moved on without him, building their plans around Mo Williams. Ford was traded to Toronto for Charlie Villanueva.

As a Raptor, Ford flourished, guiding the team to a division title and playoff berth in 06/07. Then he hit the deck again, this time on a flagrant by Al Horford. He didn't get up or move for a loooong time. They carried him off on a stretcher. Jose Calderon played well in his absence and Ford returned from his latest injury to discover he'd lost another starting job. He sulked. He refused to be a backup. The Raps traded him to Indiana for Jermaine O'Neal.

Again, Ford was handed the starting job. He played well for a while then lost said starting job to Earl Watson (yes, Earl Watson) in the beginning of January and hasn't appeared in a game since. The Pacers readily admit that they're trying to trade him.

Whew. Crazy.

I've never been a TJ Ford fan. He's always seemed like kind of a self-absorbed dick. But I have to give him credit for courage and perseverance. And I hope this whole story ends well for him, I really do. I'd like to see him redeem himself like Chauncey Billups did, prove he belongs in this league. More likely is the possibility that his career ends with another crash to the floor.

Pictured: a paralyzed Ford

A Gameplan For The Nyets

2010-02-03T11:31:00.000-08:00

In order for the Nyets to avoid breaking Philly's 9-73 mark for worst of all time, they need to make the following changes immediately:

-Put Kris Humphries in the starting line-up and send Yi Jianlian to the bench

-Make sure Bro-Pez gets at least 20 shots a game; dude's 50% from the floor and 80% from the line, get him more than 14 shots

-Take less than 10 3s per game as a team; Harris and Lee should be attacking the basket constantly, Tony Parker-style

-Give Tony Battie, Keyon Dooling and Trenton Hassell more run as backups; avoid breaking the record first, then worry about developing the youngsters (apologies to Yi, CDR and T Williams)

-Get out and run, especially against teams on long road trips or back to backs

Overall, they still have the talent to win 15-20 games. Yes, they were hit hard by the injury bug early with Harris missing lots of time. But if they play their hustle and defense guys (Humphries, Hassell, Dooling, Battie) more with their core players (Harris, Lee, Lopez), they'll have no problem getting into double digit wins. If they need inspiration, they should look at the Milwaukee Bucks as an example. The Bucks have marginal talent but they play hard on defense and make sure their offense always goes through their big man (Bogut). And right now, that team's on pace for about 35 wins.

Pictured: Bro-Pez, too good to be on the worst team ever

Loose Balls

2010-01-31T10:59:00.000-08:00

*52 for Andre Miller. Wow. Just wow. Nate McMillan suddenly realized that very few guards in the league can handle Andre in the post. That's only been the case for eight years or so. But by all means, relegate him to a spot up shooter once Roy returns, Coach.

*When Big Baby reached out to the public for a new nickname, the fat jokes came fast and furious. My personal fav: Dunkin' Donuts.

*The Coach Of The Year race is super interesting this year. If the voting happened today, these would be my top three- Larry Brown, Scott Brooks and Lionel Hollins. In truth, Phil Jackson should win this award every year but that's just too easy. I've bashed Nate's handling of Andre but he's managed to stay competitive with Juwan Howard as his starting C and a handful of young and untested players (Bayless, Pendergraph, Cunningham) in the rotation. Props.

*John Hollinger recently stated the Luke Ridnour was his choice for Most Improved Player. I can say with great certainty that Luke's game hasn't changed a bit since he played for the Sonics. He's exactly the same player, no better or worse. Sometimes the stats lie. Hollinger also proposed Floppy Varejao for Defensive Player Of The Year. Now, I love Andy's game (not so much his hair or his floppiness) but there's no way he's a better defender than Dwight Howard. Ridonkulous.

Pictured: Floppy throwing himself to the floor in dramatic fashion

Big Greg's Third Leg Casts Long Shadow

2010-01-27T14:51:00.000-08:00

The blogosphere is alive with excitement over Greg Oden's sexting scandal. Ridiculous. What Oden does in his own home with his then-girlfriend might make for tantalizing gossip but is it really anything he should have to publicly apologize for? We're not in church. He's not a politician relying on our trust. Ultimately, the freaky shit he does on his own time shouldn't really be our business, right? And who hasn't either taken a picture of themselves naked or taken one of your partner while having sex? C'mon, let's see those hands up. Liars.

And does anyone else find it incredibly ironic/hypocritical that it's perfectly OK for Oden (or any other player for that matter) to walk around naked in the locker room while interviews are being conducted but somehow he's a horrible person for sending a nude pic of himself to his lady?

It's just a dick. Most men are born with 'em (George Karl and David Stern, notwithstanding). The sight of Oden's dong shouldn't send people screaming into the streets. And he shouldn't have to apologize for showing it to his special someone.

OK, I'll get off my soapbox for a minute.

Similar to Washington's current quagmire with Gil Arenas, the Blazers brass now has the option to be total douchebags and play the morality card to try and lower Oden's asking price when his current contract expires. The public, caught up in their finger-pointing and posturing, wouldn't blame the team for distancing themselves from the oft-injured and mercurial Oden. How the team handles this issue moving forward will say way more about their character than that of their troubled young center.

And this is totally off-topic but worth noting: when I first saw the Oden photo, my reaction was pure joy that he had stayed in such good shape during his rehab. Then I found out that the picture was taken two years ago and I was immediately disappointed. That's how much of a hoops junkie I am. Sad but true.

Anyway, keep your chin (and your dick) up, Greg. Focus on getting that knee ready. And know that most of these people crying about the photo are uptight dipshits.

Move Those Fucking Camera Guys!

2010-01-21T01:05:00.000-08:00

Sacto C Jon Brockman busted his head open when he tumbled into a baseline camera guy tonight. Portland PG Andre Miller also went flying into a baseline camera guy in the Blazers/Sixers game, only this time it was the camera guy who ended up with blood streaming down his face.

The obvious question here is WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE ALL THESE CAMERA GUYS ON THE BASELINE RIGHT NEXT TO THE COURT?

First of all, it's a terrible angle for watching basketball, one that's rarely used in a broadcast. It's kind of like watching a football game from behind the goalposts. But if the league absolutely has to have camera guys there, can't they at least move these motherfuckers back five feet and put a low, cushioned wall there so that players aren't running headfirst into large chunks of metal and plastic at full speed? Or maybe a piece of plexi-glass like the NHL does.

One of these days, a player's gonna fly into that row of cameras and get seriously injured, I guarantee it. Picture this: Lebron James comes down on the fast break, absorbs the predictably hard foul from Kendrick Perkins, goes sailing into the cameras and breaks his fucking neck. Or slices one of his fingers completely off. Don't think it can't happen.

UPDATE: CP3 out 1-2 months after collision w camera guy

To The Looney Bin In 2010!

2010-01-06T13:46:00.000-08:00

What a freaky start to the New Year!

Gilbert Arenas has been suspended and declared "not currently fit to take the floor" by King Douche himself, despite the fact that several Wizards teammates were amused by Inmate Zero's locker room "joke" (his word, not mine) involving several unloaded firearms.

Ron Artest had to receive clearance from his neurologist to play in the Lakers recent contest against Houston. In case you missed it, Ron Ron had an outer body experience that he can't remember, resulting in a nasty fall down some stairs that cracked the back of his head open. Hennessey, Ecstasy or Insanity? In Lakerland, nobody seems to care. The event's been completely buried by the team. If that happened to Vlad Radmanovic, Phil Jackson would've hired private investigators to ferret out the truth. Just saying.

Former rebounding specialist and "accidental" murderer Jayson Williams rammed his car into a tree while intoxicated and then told police that he wasn't the driver, even though he was the only passenger in the vehicle. Williams was also unaware that the entire crash was captured on camera. Double doh.

But perhaps the most improbable of all these bizarre occurrences is the Memphis Grizzlies moving over the .500 mark behind MVP-caliber play of legendary loser, Zach Randolph. He's even passing the ball and playing defense! A real head scratcher. Until you remember that it's his contract year. Maybe it's not so crazy after all.

Pictured: the old Z-Bo would've shot both these balls already, right?

Loose Balls

2009-12-31T12:46:00.001-08:00

*Check out this database from 2007 of every player in NBA history. What immediately jumps out is how short most of the careers are. For every Dikembe Mutombo, there are a thousand Jerome Allens who only played a season or two, just long enough to finish up their rookie contracts. According to this Time article from 1999, the average NBA career is/was 4.82 seasons.

*Kevin (Color Me) Love almost got a triple double in a losing effort last night. Dude's better than I thought he was, at least offensively. I mean, you've got to be pretty solid to put up a triple double from the frontcourt. Not many big men have done it. Browse the triple double Wiki page and you'll notice it's mostly guards. However, if you scroll down a bit, you'll also find a few monster quadruple doubles put up by Hakeem Olajuwon and David Robinson (34-10-10-10). Yikes.

*My wife doesn't follow basketball. I was watching this crapfest between Washington and Minnesota recently and she said, "The Wizards are a terrible name for a basketball team." I agreed. She continued. "Does it get weird when the Wizards and Magic play each other?" My response: "No weirder than when the Suns play the Heat."

Pictured: recent Wizards/Magic game

Where Do The Frail Blazers Go From Here?

2009-12-28T12:38:00.000-08:00

Oden- done for the year. Prezbo- done for the year. Nic Batum's missed the entire season so far. Rudy Fernandez didn't play in December and probably won't suit up again until February. Travis Outlaw could be out until April. So where does this leave the once-promising Blazers?

Sitting nicely at 20-12, actually. Winners of four straight, including three victories in a row against Western Conference playoff teams.

How in the hell is this happening?

First and foremost, it's been Herculean efforts nightly from Brandon Roy. There's also the emergence (or should I say unleashing?) of Jerryd Bayless. Throw in solid contributions on both ends from graybeard Juwan Howard. And it's certainly no coincidence that the team is 13-3 when Andre Miller starts this season. Yes, you read that right. 13-3 with Miller starting. On the flip side, they've won six of seven since moving Steve Blake to the bench.

Can this improbable success continue? Roy's nursing a shoulder injury. LaMarcus Aldridge just missed some time with a balky knee and now he's being asked to log heavy minutes at center. And they still haven't played the Lakers or Celtics yet this season. We'll see...

Pictured: awesome Roy Etch-A-Sketch

Loose Balls- Tuesday

2009-12-15T10:55:00.001-08:00

*Boston's now 12-1 on the road this year. To me, that's waaaaay more impressive than Phoenix's 8-0 start at home.

*Paul Pierce gave kudos to Memphis after narrowly defeating them yesterday, saying that the Grizz were "up and coming" and "right on our heels." Ummm, really? I don't know, man. I don't see that lineup ever getting above .500, personally.

*How bad is the East? Well, if the playoffs started today, Toronto would qualify for the 8th seed playing .423 basketball. Over 82 games, that projects to a 34-48 record, among the worst in history for any postseason team.

*Speaking of epic failure, the Nyets are spiraling down in pursuit of the infamous 9-73 Sixers for worst record of all time. Currently mired at 2-22, Jersey will have to significantly improve to avoid breaking the futility mark. Good news: with Devin Harris and Courtney Lee back in the lineup, they'll probably squeak by and avoid that dubious distinction.

Pictured: Fred Carter (R), the best player on the worst team in history. Gotta love the laughing teammate in the background.

Things You Might Not Know About Earl Boykins

2009-12-08T10:16:00.000-08:00

If you follow the game, then you're probably aware that Earl Boykins is back in the league after a brief stint overseas. You might also have noticed that the 5'5" PG has put up some nice numbers for Washington lately, stealing key fourth quarter minutes from the likes of Gilbert Arenas and Randy Foye. Apparently, his new nickname is The Closer and he even got some MVP chants in Verizon Center recently.

But did you know that he can bench 315 lbs? Or that he does 500 push ups a day?

Or that the Golden State Warriors used to play "It's A Small World" every time he entered a game? Pure class. I mean, Boykins is the second shortest player in NBA history (taller than only the 5'3" Muggsy Bogues) but you don't have to clown him like that.

Here's a nice Boykins mix, which sadly doesn't feature any dunks.

Pictured: little big man meets big big men

When Greg Oden Went Down...

2009-12-06T11:59:00.000-08:00

When Greg Oden went down, all twenty thousand Blazer fans in attendance thought the same thing: "Oh, shit. We're fucked." When the big man crumpled to the floor, the team instantly became a non-factor in this year's playoff race. Brandon Roy morphed back into a volume shooter. Andre Miller's playing time became a non-issue. The Sam Bowie label stuck. And Kevin Pritchard kicked himself again for not choosing Kevin Durant.

Realistically, this could be the last we see of Oden. We're talking about a guy who previously destroyed his other knee getting off his couch. He's like Samuel Jackson's character in Unbreakable. It seems improbable that he'll ever be sturdy enough to play professional sports. If you're Pritchard, do you resign Oden to big money after this season knowing how fragile he is? Hell, no. If Oden does eventually come back, it probably won't be in a Blazer uniform.

It's a sad day for Portland fans any way you look at it. No way this team competes for a title without Oden. No way. In fact, it's entirely possible they drop out of the playoff race altogether. Without Nic Batum, Charles Outlaw AND Oden, they're forced to rely on suspect talent like Juwan Howard, Jerryd Bayless and Dante Cunningham. Get ready for a long winter.

NOTE: meant to say 'Travis Outlaw' (not 'Charles') in paragraph above. Thanks to my legion of aggro fact checkers in the comments below. LOL.

Pictured: Oden and Durant

Loose Balls- Thursday

2009-12-03T09:04:00.000-08:00

*People freaked out when I compared Brandon Jennings to Damon Stoudamire last week, as if Stoudamire was some kind of stumblebum (yeah, I said 'stumblebum'- I'm bringing it back). Check out the first year stats for Young Money here and Mighty Mouse here and you'll notice plenty of similarities (not to mention that they're both tiny lefties born in September).

*Speaking of diminutive volume shooters, Allen Iverson's headed home to Philly for his last hurrah. A one year non-guaranteed contract isn't exactly the red carpet treatment but at this point, AI will take whatever he can get, apparently.

*I find it amusing that Ron Artest is still talking about wanting to fight Big Ben, despite the fact that he laid down on the scorer's table when he actually had the chance. I have no doubt that Ron Ron probably would've won that fight (his dad was a boxer AND he's crazy) but he totally pussed out in that situation. First, he backpedaled like Carmelo Anthony and then he LAID DOWN. The fact that he ran into the stands and punched some fans afterwards doesn't change that.

*Portland's now lost three in a row, including an embarrassing home court ass whupping at the hands of the mighty Memphis Grizzlies. The Blazers biggest problem (other than a spate of injuries) has been perimeter defense. People wonder why Greg Oden's always in foul trouble. Maybe if his wing players stopped dribble penetration every now and then, the big guy could stay on the court for more than 25 minutes a night. To make matters worse, Brandon Roy's been complaining to the press about not getting enough touches, even though he's averaging 20 a game. Play some defense, dude. I heard it wins championships and stuff.

Pictured: discontented max contract franchise player, B Roy

The Curious Case Of Stephen Jackson

2009-11-20T12:59:00.000-08:00

Brad Pitt's one of those actors that I used to like who I now find incredibly irritating. Seriously, watching that guy act is like being forced to eat canned beets. What the fuck happened? He used to be pretty good, or at least I remember him being good in Se7en, Twelve Monkeys, Fight Club, Thelma and Louise. Anyway, my point is that I used to like Brad Pitt and now I don't.

I feel the same exact same way about Stephen Jackson.

When Jackson was a young player trying to make it in the league with New Jersey and San Antonio, I rooted for him. He'd already played in the CBA and for several clubs overseas. I admired his heart and determination. His 'former gang member does good' storyline was compelling, as well. When he won a ring with the Spurs, I was happy for him (or at least as happy as I can be seeing the Spurs win titles). Even though he was the team's third leading scorer in the playoffs, San Antonio didn't want him back and let him walk to the Hawks as a free agent.

He blossomed into an excellent player in Atlanta. The team thanked him by trading him to Indiana for Al Harrington.

Why all the movement? Because he was starting to develop a rep for being a headcase.

He played his best ball for the Pacers. The nucleus of Jermaine O'Neal, Ron Artest and Jax was imposing. And if you recall, Indy had the league's best record in 2004 and a sizable lead over defending champ Detroit on the road. Then Artest pushed Big Ben, precipitating The Malice At The Palace. Artest got most of the camera time but Jax was throwing haymakers at those fans, just knocking fools out left and right. Then he got into another melee at a strip club and got punched in the face and run over by a car.

Traded again, this time to Golden State. Again, he plays well, well enough that he winds up as team captain. The Warriors first round upset of Dallas in 2007 is legendary but in reality, that was a .500 team that barely made the post-season. It was a fluke. When they basically swapped Baron Davis for Cory Maggette (duh), the Dubs went from mediocre to lousy in a hurry.

Now a veteran (and a captain), Jax felt entitled for the first time in his entire career. He rebelled against the front office. He demanded a trade. He said he was as good as Kobe Bryant. Yes, he actually said that.

Talk about someone who doesn't handle success well. Geesh.

Traded to Charlotte for Raja Bell and Vlade Radmanovic. From the looks of things, it appears Larry Brown is handing over the reins to Jackson as team leader from the jump. In two games (both losses), he's led the team in minutes and turnovers.

I'd like to think Jax has one more surprise up his sleeve, that he could actually impress me again. Maybe not. Brad Pitt certainly hasn't. I wouldn't mind seeing 'em both retire.

Pictured: Jax explains the Guns For Jesus tat

I'm Pretty Sure Brandon Jennings Is Not Jesus

2009-11-19T12:43:00.000-08:00

I watched Brandon Jennings destroy Golden State's 'defense' with multiple long, uncontested threes and thought to myself, "Are they ever gonna at least try to get a hand in his face?" I mean, the Warriors guards were going under every high pick and roll, even after the kid was on fire. Pathetic D. Really, really bad. Another thing I noticed was that many of his other buckets were off-balance floaters or scoops off of one foot, ordinarily low percentage shots. Even though he put up 55, I didn't see any dominant qualities. I saw a player get red hot while the other team did nothing to slow him down- no hard fouls, no going at him on the other end, NO GOING OVER THE TOP OF GODDAMN SCREENS- nothing good teams do to neutralize a shooter.

Because of the 55, the blogosphere is hyping Jennings like crazy. Every story is either a fluff piece or a condemnation of teams that passed on him on in the draft. Everyone seems to think he's a shoo-in for the ROY Award, despite the fact that this is still November. Whatever.

I'd like to point out some things about Jennings that seem to be getting glossed over. First, he's been feasting on a really soft schedule. The only good teams the Bucks have played so far are Dallas and Denver. Secondly, he's averaging almost 4 TOs a game. Third, he still can't guard anyone. And lastly, he's only doing all this shooting because Mike Redd's injured. He won't have the same green light once the team's leading scorer returns.

To his credit, I will say that Jennings is already one of the quickest players in the game. His handle and court vision are also impressive. But to imply that he's dominant already is pure hype. Let's see what he does against Boston, Orlando or Cleveland's defense before we put a crown on his head.

Pictured: Young Money

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

2009-11-14T10:52:00.000-08:00

Ten games is enough to judge an NBA team by. And while many injuries, trades and firings are still to come, it's pretty apparent already who's got a realistic chance at the ring this year. And who doesn't.

THE GOOD
Boston and LA are head and shoulders above everyone else. Yes, I'm aware that Denver just beat LA by 20. Did Pau play in that game? Nope. In fact, with Gasol in the lineup, LA wins about 80% of the time. That's insane. Boston's killing everyone, too; their average margin of victory is over twelve. Also insane. Orlando, Cleveland, Portland, Denver, Atlanta, Dallas and Phoenix have been impressive. Jury's still out on everyone else but I gotta give props to Skiles and Spoelstra for exceeding expectations so far.

THE BAD
Welcome back, Bobby Simmons! The official harbinger of doom for any franchise, Simmons is seeing plenty of action for the winless Nets. Across the river, D'Antoni's Knicks have already lost six of seven at MSG. With Aussie Shaq (AKA Nathan Jawai) leading the way, Rambis' Wolves are getting clobbered by 14 a night. The Grizz are equally atrocious, predictably. Traditional powerhouses San Antonio and Utah have been underwhelming thus far.

THE UGLY
What the fuck's going on in New Orleans? The first half of last night's Blazers/Hornets game was some of the worst basketball I've ever seen. Terrible shooting. No structure. No plays. No timeouts. No coaching. If Byron Scott was watching that game, I guarantee he was laughing his ass off. Meanwhile, the hate continues to simmer in Oakland, where every player on the team probably has money on how long it'll take Jax to go Spree on Donny Boozeface.

Pictured: Bay Area BFFs

Shark Jumpers Of The NBA

2009-11-10T10:58:00.000-08:00

The expression 'jumping the shark' usually refers to a defining moment when something/someone/someplace has turned a corner, gone from great to awful, relevant to meaningless, and can never be reconciled or repaired again.

Last year, we saw AI tumble from grace during his disastrous stint with the lying, deceitful Detroit Pistons, who promised him a rose garden and gave him a public reaming instead. This year, the Grizzlies made a big show of introducing him, sold some tickets, then stuck him on the bench. Predictably, he flipped out, made a fool of himself, and is currently no longer with the team. Or the league, for that matter. Funny to think that two years ago, Iverson had a 50 point game with Denver.

Elton Brand's doing some hardcore sharkjumping of his own at the moment. Looking slower than a tree sloth and about as athletic as Chuck Nevitt, Brand's disappearing before our very eyes, eclipsed by the emerging Marreese Speights. I don't understand why Philly brought Brand there in the first place. It's a team full of slashers who want to run and attack the rim. The last thing they need is a lumbering, undersized big clogging up the paint.

Don Nelson has the rare opportunity to become the winningest and most hated coach in history DURING THE SAME SEASON. This year's Warriors are dreadful and he appears to be doing absolutely zero coaching, unless you count stunting the growth of Anthony Randolph and Anthony Morrow as some kind of tough-love psychological ploy.

Gilbert Arenas had a 12 turnover game last night. Yeah. His 2-6 Wizards, despite hiring Flip Saunders and adding Randy Foye, are still garbage. Yes, they're missing Antawn Jamison but it's not like they're losing nail-biters; they're getting their asses kicked by double digits every night. And when that happens, players making 100 million bucks tend to get blamed. And traded.

Not hearing too many people referring to (the corpse formally known as) James Posey as a 'glue guy' anymore. Dude's a mannequin out there. A ghost. I ripped Danny Ainge for letting him go after Boston won the ring two years ago. My bad. It doesn't feel good to admit that Danny Ainge is smarter than I am. It burns, actually. It burns.

Mike Bibby said before the season that he was going to be more of a facilitator this year. Maybe he doesn't know what the word 'facilitate' means because he's averaging less than 4 assists and getting routinely roasted by every opposing player he 'guards.' His minutes are evaporating as shot-happy Jamal Crawford fills in the void. Because the team is 5-2, the Atlanta fans aren't calling for Bibby's head...yet. But there's no question his game and desire have fallen off a freaking cliff.

Speaking of fans (or lack thereof), I'm seeing some pretty large sections of empty seats in almost every arena, even for teams that are doing well. And the season's less than a month old. Not a good sign. Instead of focusing on individual players who've jumped the shark, maybe I should be talking about the entire league outside of Boston, Cleveland, Orlando, Portland, Dallas and LA.

Pictured: OG Shark Jumper, Fonzie (and bitchen action figure)

Miller, McMillan, Media Need To Chill The Fuck Out

2009-10-13T16:32:00.000-07:00

Lots of overly dramatic things being said/written this week about The Andre Miller Situation in Portland. He's not happy coming off the bench. He's not buying into the team concept. The team doesn't want to ruin chemistry by moving Steve Blake out of the starting lineup.

Hold up, everyone. Just chill the fuck out.

This entire story comes down to one thing and one thing only: Andre Miller is better than Steve Blake. The sooner Nate McMillan and the Portland media realize this, the better off the team will be.

And it's not like last year's team won the title or anything. They got their collective asses kicked in the first round, for fuck's sake. And Blake was absolutely annihilated by Aaron Brooks. Don't fear change, people. Sometimes, change is needed to grow.

Plus, I'm inclined to think that Miller will play 30 plus minutes whether he starts or not, similar to Lamar Odom's role with LA during the first half of last season. Even if Nate does opt to start Blake for outside shooting, Miller will still be the guy on the floor in the 4th quarter with the clock running down.

Because of all this fake drama brewing daily in the Oregonian, many national writers/bloggers are picking up the story and predicting doom in Portland. Whatever. Miller's an upgrade in their guard rotation any way you look at it. He's better than Blake and he's way fucking better than last year's backup, the hapless Sergio Rodriguez.

And his contract's short (only two years guaranteed with a 3rd year option) so if it doesn't work out, who cares?

Nothing silences critics or ends controversy like winning. And I can say with full confidence that, barring injuries, the Blazers will be just fine in '09/10. Miller might not be Chris Paul but he gives the team the best chance of winning. Let's move on, shall we?

Pictured: the best PG on the Blazers roster

Recipe For A Championship

2009-10-13T10:45:00.000-07:00

Every GM should have the same goal: win a championship. Selling tickets is nice and community outreach is commendable but really, if your team isn't winning any rings, you should consider your organization a failure.

So what's the best way to build a championship team? There are lots of cliches out there. "Defense wins championships." "No rebounds, no rings." I studied the DNA of every starter on every champion of my generation and found some interesting tendencies.

PG- So what do Derek Fisher, Rajon Rondo, Jason Williams, Tony Parker, Chauncey Billups, Avery Johnson, Ron Harper, Sam Cassell, Isiah Thomas, Magic Johnson and Dennis Johnson have in common? Good asst/TO ratios.

SG- How about Kobe Bryant, Ray Allen, Dwyane Wade, Michael Finley, Rip Hamilton, Michael Jordan, Vernon Maxwell, Joe Dumars and Byron Scott? Good outside shots and the ability to defend multiple positions.

SF- Trevor Ariza, Paul Pierce, Bruce Bowen, Tayshaun Prince, Scottie Pippen, Robert Horry, James Worthy and Larry Bird? Shooting range and (except for Bowen) good rebounding skills for a wing.

PF- Lamar Odom, Kevin Garnett, Udonis Haslem, Tim Duncan, Rasheed Wallace, Dennis Rodman, Otis Thorpe, Horace Grant, Kurt Rambis and Kevin McHale? Versatile enough defenders to guard post players or step out onto the perimeter.

C- Pau Gasol, Kendrick Perkins, Shaquille O'Neal, Fabricio Oberto, Ben Wallace, Bill Cartwright, Luc Longley, Hakeem Olajuwon, Kareem Abdul Jabbar, Bill Laimbeer and Robert Parrish? Everyone can rebound. Most have excellent post games, offensively.

So put these elements together for a second. A PG with a pass-first mentality and good handle. A shooting guard with range who can defend PGs or SFs on switches. A SF with an outside shot who also rebounds. A PF who can defend inside or out. A C who cleans the glass and can score on the block.

Based on that criteria, it looks like Lakers/Celtics in the Finals again, folks.

Pictured: The Hick vs Buck

Places I'd Rather See CP3

2009-10-10T11:45:00.000-07:00

Every time Chris Paul dumps the ball into David West for a turnaround J or kicks out to Peja for a spot up 3, I wonder how good CP3 would look in a different offense with more athletic players around him. No disrespect to those two guys (well, some disrespect to busted-ass Peja who should retire NOW), but here are the uniforms I'd prefer to see Chris Paul in:

Lakers
Duh. LA needs an upgrade with Derek Fisher at or near his expiration date and Farmar/Brown not really getting it yet.

Hawks
I know. They already play slow. But Mike Bibby? Yawn. Give me CP3 on the break with Josh Smith and Marvin Williams on the wings. Even Micro-Manage Woodson couldn't screw that one up.

Magic
I don't like this team. At all. I didn't want to include them in this list. But it would be amazing to watch Paul work with Vince Cancer and Dwight Howard. So many dunks. On second though, screw the Magic.

Blazers
Pritchard's wet dream. Paul/Roy/Aldridge. Not the most athletic bunch but it would be exciting. And if CP3 can make Tyson Chandler an offensive threat, imagine what he could do for Greg Olden.

Pacers
This one requires some mental adjusting. Dunleavy and Murphy- out. Brandon Rush and Danny Granger- in. Got it? See how nicely that works?

There are lots of other teams that Paul would make better, obviously. Spurs, Cavs, Celtics- almost any club in the league would rather have Paul than their current PG. But I'm getting really sick of seeing him pound the rock or drive and kick. Plus, he absorbs way too much contact in the Hornets half court sets. After watching Dahntay Jones molest him repeatedly during last season's playoffs, I began to fret over CP3's long-term health. He needs to get out of that offense before someone decides to sweep the leg.

Pictured: Dahntay Jones "getting all Bruce Bowen" on Paul

Russell Westbrook, Meet Steve Francis

2009-10-09T12:43:00.000-07:00

Russell Westbrook just completed his rookie season and many experts and pundits are predicting stardom. The explosive 6'3" guard from UCLA put up 15 ppg and over 5 apg while frequently getting on SportsCenter for his highlight dunks and acrobatic forays to the bucket. Few people talk about the fact that he shot under 40% or that his TO/Ast ratio was less than stellar- 5.3/3.3. The team finished 23-59 and was outscored by 6 ppg. Yuck.

When he first came into the league, Steve Francis was hailed as a game-changer- a freakishly athletic 6'3" guard who could dunk on anyone but still needed to learn the nuances of managing an offense and distributing the ball. His rookie season, Francis averaged an impressive 18 ppg to go with 6.6 apg and over 5 rpg. He shot an amazing 45% from the floor, a testament to his ability to finish at the rim. He also turned the ball over 4 times a game, an alarming rate even for a rookie. The team finished 34-48 but nobody in the organization blamed their shining star, who was dubbed Stevie Franchise. You know where the story goes from here. Francis NEVER got the hang of running an offense without turning the ball over. As injuries mounted, his trademark athleticism declined with his shooting percentage. He clashed with Jeff Van Gundy, got traded to Orlando, clashed with Brian Hill, got traded, and finally ended up on that disastrous sinking ship known as Isiah's Knicks. He played 10 games for Houston in 2007/8 before retiring.

I hope I'm off-base with this comparison. Westbrook seems like a much cooler dude than Francis, who acted like a bitch from the second he was drafted (holla back, Vancouver). I was actually happy to see Francis' career crash and burn.

Pictured: Stevie Franchise, riches to rags story

Drinking The Training Camp Kool-Aid

2009-09-30T22:14:00.000-07:00

Every coach is happy. Every player is optimistic. Nobody's been benched or fired yet. NBA training camp is upon us and, as usual, people are running their mouths with some ridiculous bullshit. To wit...

*Stephen Curry is proclaiming himself the early favorite for Rookie Of The Year, despite the fact that he plays the same position as Monta Ellis AND that he just shot 30% against marginal talent in Summer League. Somehow I don't think he'll finish ahead of Blake Griffin. Just a hunch.

*Curry's future tormentor, the blowhard drunkard known as Don Nelson, went on record this week as saying that Stephen Jackson's trade demands "won't be a distraction" for the upcoming season. Yeah, right. When in the history of sports has a public trade demand not been a distraction? Have another mai-tai, boozeface.

Pictured: drunk-ass Don Nelson, destroyer of rookies

*George Karl's ego-tripping again, this time bragging that the Nugs are "the team to beat in the West" and adding that "other teams made moves to match us." Hilarious. Karl must be assuming that losing Linas Kleiza, his most consistent bench scorer, and Dahntay Jones, his best perimeter defender, somehow won't negatively impact the team. He probably also thinks that Nene and KMart will stay healthy again. Idiot. Yeah, the Lakers added Artest 'cause they were afraid of you.

*Jerry Colangelo thinks Toronto will win 50 games. With Andrea Bargnani playing center. Yeah. To recap: last year's team gave up almost 102 ppg and let opponents shoot 46% against them. Their big offseason addition was slow-footed Hedo Turkoglu, who's a fine offensive player but can't stay in front of most small forwards, a flaw that's recently been masked by the presence of Dwight Howard (and Tim Duncan before him). They could give up 110 a night.

*Hornets GM Jeff "Golden" Bowers crows about new acquisition Emeka Okafor, calling him a "threat in the low post." Watch some basketball every now and then, dude. Meka's absolutely clueless on offense. He has no post game whatsoever.

*The Lakers are considering starting a lineup of Kobe, Artest, Odom, Gasol and Bynum (sending incumbent Derek Fisher to the pine). Riiiight. Who from that group is going to guard the other team's PG? And you're telling me Gasol has the footspeed to stay in front of PFs on the perimeter? No way this idea works. Horsepucky.

NOTE: Here's last year's version of Training Camp Kool-Aid, featuring D'Antoni describing Shitbury as "one of the best players in the league."

One Pickup Game For All The Marbles

2009-09-21T11:12:00.000-07:00

Hypothetical situation here. Let's just say that you (the well-informed fan) and I were coaches who were picking a starting five for one pickup game that would determine which of us survived. Winning coach lives, loser dies. No salary implications or long-term injury concerns. No drafting by position. Street ball- call your own fouls, no FTs, no flops.

One game for the right to keep breathing air.

I'd choose Kobe Bryant first (it's my blog so I get first pick but you get the second two, alternating after that). You would probably choose LeBron James and Dwight Howard. Am I right? Here's how the rest of the top-10 might shake out:

My five- (1) Kobe, (4) Tim Duncan, (6) Chris Paul, (8) Kevin Durant, (10) Shaq

'Your' five- (2) LeBron, (3) Dwight Howard, (5) Dwyane Wade, (7) Deron Williams, (9) Chris Bosh

Nash and Nowitzki are the obvious omissions here. Both are weak sauce on D so I wouldn't take 'em. But you might. And my team would then beat your team.

Ordinarily KG would be chosen for sure but lingering doubts about his health held him back. Chauncey Billups barely missed the cut. And it's worth noting that I drafted Shaq simply to contend with Howard. And like I said, no FTs. Heh heh.

Who'd win? Would you choose differently?

Pictured: #1 overall

Loose Balls- Thursday

2009-09-16T17:42:00.001-07:00

*So the Heat brass are taking a pay cut, eh? I'd be interested in checking them books. I seriously doubt Riley Coyote is looking at the same kind of financial pimpslap as Eric Spoelstra. How hard must it be to work for Riley? Dude's bananas. In a league of egotistical nutjobs, Riles is right up there with, well...Michael Jordan.

*Speaking of MJ, I don't think he overstepped any boundaries by spitting some venom during his HOF speech/roast (thanks to Adande for an excellent analysis). As a player, Jordan was one of the biggest shit-talkers in history. There's nothing unusual about Mike being an asshole. What made that speech so uncomfortable and awkward was that once he started trashing people, everyone in that entire room's buttholes collectively puckered up, each person terrified that Mean Mike was gonna start in on them next. In fact, it felt a bit like this.

*Larry Legend's getting ripped in Indiana, even as he assembles the Aryan Superteam that racist Pacer fans have been clamoring for since Ron Ron starting punching people in Detroit. Maybe trading Danny Granger for David Lee would satisfy the locals.

Pictured: Bird's profile shot from Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians

Loose Balls- Wednesday

2009-09-09T23:54:00.000-07:00

*I went digging around for reactions to AI signing with Memphis. Actually, that's a lie. What I really did was Google 'fuck Allen Iverson' to see who else was peeved that Heisley would sabotage the careers of his promising young players for one season of slightly above-average ticket sales. Weak sauce. First Z-Bo, now this. Does Heisley even watch basketball? Did he see the numbers Conley put up for March and April? Is he aware that Mayo almost won ROY? The folks at Spurstalk express my feelings on the subject perfectly.

UPDATE: I wonder how many fans are gonna fall for this goat rodeo?

*Rubio bailing on Minny for Barcelona doesn't surprise me at all. I've been to both and there's no comparison.

*The league loses Bruce Bowen and Matt Harpring in the same month? Say it ain't so. Who's going to fill that massive void of cheap shots, elbows and flops now that these 'hard nosed' (i.e. dirty) players have called it quits? It's too much to ask of Dahntay Jones. He's just one man.

*And last, but certainly not least, a gigantic FUCK YOU (as usual) to King Douche David Stern for once again overstepping his boundaries by attempting to clamp down on NBA tweeting. First the dress code, now this. The last time I checked, a boss couldn't say shit about what his employees did when they weren't at work.

*Is rehab turning convicted tweeter Michael Beasley into DeShawn Stevenson? Who's gonna be the first to bust out the Urkel Dance?

Fooled By The Fantasy

2009-08-27T17:34:00.000-07:00

I looooove fantasy basketball. There's something about crunching numbers and poring over stats that scratches an itch somewhere deep inside my brain (gross, sorry). Even before the internets, I'd analyze box scores and see if I could anticipate or predict trends.

That said, fantasy basketball is making it seriously hard for me to have a good conversation with basketball fans about actual basketball.

I end up hearing dumb shit like "Jose Calderon is one of the best PGs in the league" or "David Lee is worth 10 million a season."

Let's consult the roto Big Board of Yahoo's Brandon Motherfunkin' Funston, shall we? Chris Paul is rated above LeBron James and Kobe Bryant. Dirk Nowitzki and Amare Stoudemire are more valuable than Tim Duncan, apparently. Dwight Howard trails the mighty Troy Murphy, for fuck's sake.

Any discerning individual with half a brain can distinguish between roto numbers and how good a player really is. Unfortunately, message boards and sports bars are filled to the brim with fucknuts who take this fantasy shit as gospel. There are people out there who still think Zach Randolph is a good basketball player. I'm not fucking kidding.

"Cleveland will win the title if they add Zach Randolph." I've heard this from more than one person.

News flash. Nate Robinson is terrible. So is Jamal Crawford. Yes, I'm aware they score points and make 3 pt shots. But they're dreadful basketball players. They contribute to losing games with every fiber of their beings.

So I'll congratulate anyone who tells me that they won their roto league because of Murphy and Crawford. Fantasy is fantasy. But don't come talking shit about how the Lakers should be looking to acquire these assclowns, or worse yet, trade an actual quality player for them ("Dude, LA should trade Lamar Odom for Troy Murphy"- STFU).

Meh.

Pictured: Nate and Jose leading their teams to mediocrity

The Big Ifs: Who Could Topple LA?

2009-08-24T14:58:00.000-07:00

Now that LA has Ron Ron, it's a widely held belief that Kobe and company will be hoisting another trophy next season. Here's a list of some Big Ifs- what each contender would need to have happen in order to topple the champs.

Boston could win the title if KG reverts to his MVP-form of 2004. Pretty unlikely given his age and the severity of his recent knee injury.

Orlando could win the title if Vince Cancer learns to take good shots and play defense for the first time in his 12 year career. VC's always had the tools so why has his career been pockmarked by fadeaway 3s and total apathy on the defensive end? Dude's got no heart.

San Antonio could win the title if Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker stay healthy. It goes without saying that Tim Duncan would also have to put up typical Duncan numbers on both ends. That team is nothing without him at full strength.

Cleveland could win the title if Shaq reports to camp in shape and plays at least 75 games. Much of O'Neal's reputation as a lousy P&R defender is a result of showing up fat and lazy, year after year.

Portland could win the title if Greg Oden contends for Defensive Player Of The Year. In order for Oden to accomplish this tall task, he'll have to start and play at least 30 minutes a game. Hear that, Nate? No more starting Prezbo. Throw the kid in there and let him sink or swim. Leave him in the game when he picks up two fouls in the first. Make it a priority to get him as many minutes as possible.

Denver could win the title if Nene leads the league in rebounding. Actually, scratch that. Denver can't win the title. Who am I kidding? No team with a forward playing center ever wins a ring.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The 2004 Pistons had Ben Wallace at C. Depending on your point of view, this may or may not disprove my theory above.

I'm sure some of you are thinking "Where's Utah?" Or "What about Atlanta?" "The Suns have got a shot." This is probably because you live in those cities and have an unreasonable expectation for their success based on pure homerism. I'm sorry. Your team will win nothing next year. As usual. Enjoy your one (or possibly two) playoff series.

Pictured: KG circa 2004 accepting the Podoloff in a fancy lab coat

The Gayest Gayness To Ever Gay Up The NBA

2009-08-20T09:11:00.001-07:00

Congratulations to Brendan Haywood, who this week officially joined a long and impressive list of high-profile athletes and celebrities to speak out against the rampant gayness that is ruining the very manly and heterosexual sport of pro basketball.

Reacting to this shocking video of Stephon Marbury doing his best Prince impression, Haywood put his god-fearing foot down.

"He's swinging from both sides of the fence." Indeed.

And while Haywood might have totally bungled the expression (dude, it's "playing for both teams" or "swinging both ways"- there's no "fence"), every good American understands his powerful response to this invasion of virtual manspace.

The liberal media put a different spin on events. Typical.

Since former player John Amaechi chose to be gay to sell his gay book a few years back, there's been a very real threat of the whole league suddenly turning gay for pay. Heroes Tim Hardaway and LeBron James both previously laid down hard line stances on shower etiquette and proper decorum. Now Haywood is the latest warrior to brave criticism and stand up for decency. And the public is behind him because this is America, where proud heterosexuals have the right to live free without anyone "bringing their gayness" into it (unless it's two or more hot chicks- then it's cool). Bravo, Brendan!

As Omar Little from The Wire once famously said, "The game's out there. It's play or get played. That simple."

*cues up We Are The Champions, dances triumphantly around apartment, chants 'USA!' out window.

Pictured: Marbury bringing the gayness

LaMarcus Aldridge, Meet Charles Smith

2009-08-14T09:22:00.000-07:00

Charles Smith was a 6'10 forward/center who was taken #3 in the 1988 Draft by Philly and then traded immediately to the Clippers. His sweet shooting stroke and ability to run the floor earned him a starting spot as a rookie and he made the most of it, averaging 16/6 with just over a block a game. His second and third seasons were even better, as he topped the 20-point plateau and established himself as a defensive presence. He injured his knee during his fourth season and played only 49 games. Then he was traded to the Knicks, who already had Charles Oakley and Anthony Mason at PF. He was a solid contributor on a tough Knicks team but was most famous for getting four of his weak-sauce layups blocked by the Bulls in the playoffs. He got traded/injured for five more seasons before retiring.

Smith never won a ring or made the All-Star team. He did, however, appear in this fucking awful Hootie & The Blowfish video (thanks, Low Posts). In his defense, Smith seems like a class act.

LaMarcus Aldridge, as you're well aware, is a 6'10 forward/center who was taken #2 in the 2006 Draft by Chicago and traded immediately to the Blazers. His sweet shooting stroke and ability to run the floor earned him 22 starts in his rookie year but he finished the campaign with modest averages of 9/5. He blossomed in his second and third seasons, pushing those numbers up to 18/7. Now many are wondering whether he'll take the leap to All-Star level.

This is also Aldridge's contract year. Teammate Brandon Roy just signed a max deal and the hot topic of the day is whether or not Aldridge deserves one, too.

Like Charles Smith before him, Aldridge also tends to shy away from contact, preferring the fadeaway J to a power move or dunk attempt. He's a finesse player. At power forward. And nobody's bringing it up right now, but I'm sure the fact that he's been diagnosed with a potentially fatal heart condition is still in the minds of Blazer brass.

*It's kind of trivial, but Smith's bday is July 16th, Aldridge's is the 19th. According to this Astrology site, Cancer is 'loving and emotional' but also 'moody and oversensitive.' But I digress...

So, how will this whole thing shake out? Aldridge's people are saying publicly that they're not after the same max deal Brandon Roy just signed. And they shouldn't be. Roy's a team leader who can consistently get (and make) his own shot in the clutch. Roy's an All-Star. LA hasn't proven anything yet- he's a good player with the possibility of a bright future. Or not.

Pictured: Smith rocking the high-top fade

LBJ- Sometimes It's NOT So Good To Be The King

2009-08-08T11:02:00.000-07:00

Now is the winter of our discontent
made glorious summer by this son of York

-Richard III, Shakespeare

(Relax, I ain't gonna bore you with too much book learnin'- this is still a blog about basketball. Read on...)

In his opening soliloquy, Richard, the future king, tells the audience how he plans to claw his way to the throne by any means necessary, including manipulation, treachery and murder.

By not showing his allegiance to the Cavs, LeBron James just sent a very similar message to basketball fans everywhere: the only thing that matters to King James is the crown.

The Cleveland media is putting a positive spin on things, naturally, highlighting his quote, "Being home in Akron, Ohio, is big for me."

The alarmist cuntrag known as the NY (Com)Post positions the scenario as LBJ making the Cavs 'sweat...which could be good news for the Knicks.'

In any event, Danny Ferry is now in the unenviable position of having to win a title this year or trade away the biggest star Cleveland's ever had. With a gun to his head. I'd be surprised if Ferry gets a single good night's sleep in the next calendar year. If anyone's headed for a winter of discontent, it's that dude.

(Hey, Clipper fans- consider this karmic payback for the gank move Ferry pulled on you in the 1989 Draft)

(Fuck, I'm using more asides than an actual Shakespeare play)

Obviously the Cavs don't want to lose James for nothing. So now we're into sign and trade territory. And who has the most attractive pieces AND a big enough market to please His Highness? The Lakers, who could offer a package including Bynum, Gasol, Odom or Artest. Nobody else even comes close.

Before I get too carried away, I should maintain that I don't actually think LeBron's going anywhere. This is his way of making sure Ferry and Dan Gilbert continue to spend money and try and get another superstar in Cleveland. Plus the fans love him there. They don't care about Tapegate or the fact that he smoked pot once in high school. They're even charmed by his Chosen One moniker and his apparent belief in the divine right to rule. By all accounts, it's been a pretty lousy summer for James but his minions have stood by him. As Mel Brooks once famously said, "It's good to be The King."

Of course, a healthy dose of losing would change all of that. I guarantee those fans have not forgotten the Dark Days Of Ricky Davis. Stay tuned, it could be a bumpy ride.

Pictured: 'A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse'

David Lee, Meet Michael Cage

2009-08-04T08:41:00.000-07:00

Michael Cage was a rebounding specialist who played for 15 years in the NBA. During his third season with the LA Clippers, he got the opportunity to start and made the most of it, averaging 15.7 points and an eye-popping 11.5 rebounds per game. His fourth season was also impressive as he put up 14.5/13. The Clippers combined record for those two seasons was 29-135. Yes, you're reading that correctly. 29-135.

The Seattle Sonics (remember them?) were intrigued enough by his rebounding prowess to trade for him. Cage played six progressively less productive seasons with Seattle before bouncing around with Cleveland, Philly and Jersey. He never came close to matching his numbers with that dreadful Clipper shipwreck.

David Lee just finished his fourth season with the hapless New York Knicks, who were so desperate for rebounding that they were starting the 6'9 PF at center. In his first three seasons combined, Lee started 55 games. This past year, he started 74. His numbers? 16 and 11.7. On a team that won 32 games and finished in last place.

Lee's agent is trying to get him 12 mil a year. But these ain't Isiah's Knicks anymore. Walsh knows better. The team's offering a one-year deal, which is the equivalent of saying, "Bail us out for another year until we can get somebody better."

Many Knick fans are rushing to Lee's defense, pointing out his league-leading number of double-doubles last season, while ignoring the fact that he got absolutely torched on defense. These rabid fans even go so far as to suggest that he's an All-Star.

Lee's no All-Star. He's a role player- a rebounder- just like Dale Davis, Rick Mahorn, Tyrone Hill, PJ Brown and Michael Cage before him. Except without the defense. And in Cage's case, the awesome Jheri Curl.

Loose Balls- Saturday

2009-08-01T10:09:00.000-07:00

*You're meeting friends at a crowded bar. You get there first. A large table opens up so you quickly grab it. Your friends are late. Every two seconds someone's trying to sit down or take one of the chairs. You have to protect your sacred space. "I'm sorry but this seat is taken." "I'm waiting for someone." "Sorry, I'm saving these." Everyone thinks you're an asshole. Your friends text you an hour later saying that they're staying home after all but thanks for the invite. This is what the Knicks/LeBron situation feels like to me right now. You, obviously, are the Knicks, and your friends who never show up are LeBron.

*Speaking of the Knicks, apparently they're the front runners to sign washed up has-been Jason Williams. Start planning the parade, Gotham.

*Hakim Warrick is the latest to experience the Tweener Tumble, an all-too-common occurence for power forwards who weigh less than Jamaal Tinsley. Warrick can ball, though, despite his lack of a true position. He was one of the few Grizzlies to play big minutes and still have a positive plus/minus last year. So of course the Memphis braintrust dumped him, leaving Warrick free to pursue his next disappointing stint. It's being reported that he's signed with Milwaukee, another organization run by total assclowns. And get this: they're planning on experimenting with him at small forward, despite the fact that he has absolutely no outside shot whatsoever. Excelsior!

*So Vince Carter wants to 'fit in' with the Magic, huh? Cool. He'll just have to unlearn 12 years of bad shot selection, matador defense and questionable work habits. Piece of cake. Having a laid back coach like Stan Van Gundy will help ease this seamless transition.

*Everyone knew Odom was going back to LA. Everyone except Miami, who played the role of 'hot chick who makes the wife jealous enough to take back the wandering husband' perfectly. Of course, Odom denies that this was the case and says he was 'very close' to signing with the Heat. Yeah, right.

Pictured: Riles, not really selling my 'hot chick' metaphor

Out Like Trout?

2009-07-29T14:53:00.000-07:00

Travis Outlaw played the fourth most minutes of any player on the 54-win Blazers last year. The team frequently turned to him at the end of games when Brandon Roy was doubled. He's gotten progressively better every season he's been in the league. He works his ass off. Everyone on the team loves him.

Yet the brass still actively pursued Turkoglu and Millsap, throwing more money at those guys than Trout could ever dream of. Pritchard is probably on the phone right now trying to deal him for a mediocre backup PF.

Why?

His defense, mostly. Plus, he's been known to take some really bad shots. And with the addition of Andre Miller, one of the deepest teams in the league just got deeper. Dividing up all those minutes is nigh impossible, and people have really tried.

So what's next for Outlaw? Does he continue his upward trend or get buried on the bench behind Portland's glut of wings? Most Blazer fans would prefer the latter. He's become somewhat of a whipping boy, which is a stark contrast from the pre-Brandon era when he was a fan favorite and one of the team's few bright spots (no disrespect to Darius Miles, Zach Randolph and Ruben Patterson- ahem).

In a recent Tweet, Outlaw maintained a positive perspective: "I love all the doubt and negativity...feeding it all to the motivational flames. Keep it coming."

Somehow I don't think that'll be a problem.

5 Stages Of NBA Relationships

2009-07-26T11:47:00.001-07:00

People always say that basketball is a business. True. It's also a relationship between team and player. And with any relationship, there are ups and downs, highs and lows that both parties go through together, learning and adapting. Like marriage, it can be a difficult process but ultimately the bond is strengthened. Or broken.

Using this article as a template, I break down the 5 Stages Of NBA Relationships:

Stage 1- Romance
The GM is drooling over his prized new draft pick. The player is excited about playing professionally and making a name for himself. Both people are convinced that the player will be the Next Jordan and help the team win 2 titles a year for the ensuing decade. Pure fantasy. A honeymoon phase where endorphins are running high.

Stage 2- Disillusionment
GM realizes that player is not the Next Jordan, or even the Next Harpring. Player pouts when fans and media turn on him. Everyone starts pointing fingers. Trade talk comes from both sides. In a healthy relationship, this is where candid and honest communication is required to resolve conflict. In a league resplendent with egomaniacal douchebags, this rarely happens.

*NOTE: Portland and Bayless are absolutely buried in this stage right now.

Stage 3- Power Struggle
If the player hasn't been traded by this point, it probably means he's actually pretty good. Being pretty good means having some leverage. This is where borderline stars ask for outlandish amounts of money at the end of their rookie contracts. GMs hate this stage because fans and media are up their ass on a daily basis, pressuring them to break the bank for a relatively still-unproven talent (David Lee, anyone?). Skeevy agents usually add more fuel to the fire, saying things like "My guy is the Next Jordan." They're never right about this.

Stage 4- Stability
The deal gets done- the player's locked up long term. Player, agent, fans and media are happy. The GM's pissed that he overspent but what the fuck else could he do? Now the real danger sets in. The fat and happy player has nothing left to prove and absolutely no reason to stay in shape, listen to the coach, go to practice, learn plays, etc. However, if the player has good character (hah!) and appreciates everything the team has done for him, this can lead to the most wonderful phase of all.

Stage 5- Commitment
This is true love. Acceptance. They're best friends. In it together. The player will retire with that team because there's just no fucking way anything else could possibly happen. It's extremely rare that any player/team reach this phase. Bird/Celtics, Magic/Lakers, Dumars/Pistons, Reggie/Pacers, Duncan/Spurs...you get the point. And most of these examples are prior to the Free Agency boom. Still, there's no question that long term commitment greatly enhances the reputation of player and organization alike. It's a win/win.

But, as I said at the top, the priority is always getting paid. To quote Method Man, "Dollar dollar bill, y'all."

Pictured: Laker love connection

Loose Balls- Wednesday

2009-07-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

*Marc Spears reports that Portland's taking a look at Andre Miller. Miller's career won/loss record is 380-440. In his defense, he's been on some dogshit teams, most notably the 99-00 Cavs whose best player was bloating, drunk-ass Shawn Kemp. However, Miller was also a member of the disastrous 02/03 Clips, a team that featured Elton Brand, Cory Maggette, Quentin Richardson (when he was good) AND Lamar Odom yet still only won 27 games. Miller also boasts a career .210 % from 3. Yuck. Still, he's a better starting option than Steve Blake. And he can post up any PG in the league. He gets to the FT line an average of 5 times a game. Pairing him with Brandon Roy means having the other team's backcourt in foul trouble every night (and lots of early bonus situations). Check out this spirited Miller debate going on at Dwight Jaynes' blog.

*Finally Kobe speaks up for Lamar Odom. As any Laker fan call tell you, when Kobe talks, the front office listens. A deal probably gets done any minute now.

*A great performance in Summer League means absolutely nothing. Remember Koko Archibong? Dude dominated last year. Now he's in the EuroLeague. So don't get too excited about Morrow/Randolph/Morrison just yet. Try and remember that they're playing against each other, not top-level NBA talent.

*Adios to romance novel cover-boy, Walter Herrmann. Add him to this esteemed list.

Photo and LOL caption by Blazers Edge

Basketball Mural FAIL

2009-07-18T12:09:00.001-07:00

Nothing fucks up a neighborhood quicker than a really hideous mural. I did some digging around and found a handful of true masterpieces with basketball as the central theme.

This is clearly supposed to be MJ but it looks more like the lovechild of Tyrone 'Horseface' Hill and Bo 'Don't Call Me Tyrone Hill' Outlaw. In an unintended hint at realism, the she-male masquerading as John Starks still can't guard him.

Whoever painted this piece of shit has obviously never picked up a basketball in his/her pathetic life. 'Prometheus, methinks the fiery orb hath magickal properties!'

And wouldn't this be waaaaay more effective if the maniacal disco pimp emerging from the burning meth lab was holding a human head instead of a basketball?

Indiana Pacers team mural 2009. Just kidding (kind of). This catastrophe commemorates the Fighting Green Dragons, famous for proudly rocking highwaisted short shorts and driving their Studebakers to the 'match.'

Got any crappy basketball murals? Send 'em my way.

Aging Gracefully- Ur Doing It Wrong, AI

2009-07-16T18:25:00.000-07:00

After watching this amazing dunkfest, I realized just how much explosiveness Allen Iverson's lost in the past few years. He's clearly a player in rapid decline and everyone in the league knows it. Everyone except him.

It's sad, especially considering what might have happened if AI was willing to stay in Philly and accept his new role as a mentor and role player. Check out this tearjerker clip of Reggie Miller's last game in Indy and tell me you can't picture AI going out like this with the Sixers- with class, dignity, admiration, the Philly fans all chanting his name, begging for him to come back for one more year.

That's the way it was supposed to be for Iverson.

Instead he's burned bridges and alienated fans in three cities and counting, all because he's not willing to accept the inevitable- that stars fade. It's not quite a debacle of Ali/Holmes proportions but it's getting there.

AI should dig through his crates of old records and have another listen to the timeless classic, The Gambler by Kenny Rogers. I think he might glean some wisdom from these powerful words:

You got to know when to hold ‘em
Know when to fold ‘em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run

And for all you Jim Henson fans, here's a bizarre rendition of the song where a Muppet drinks and smokes himself to death. No, I'm not kidding.

Pictured: Twisted Piston

Loose Balls- Sunday

2009-07-12T12:34:00.000-07:00

*Sheed's signing officially ends the Mikki Moore Era. Huzzah! The Cs just got themselves a good post defender who can space the floor and defend 4s and 5s. Now Ainge needs to remedy the Shitbury Curse and it'll be all good in Boston, providing KG's health isn't an ongoing issue.

*Portland wanted Turkoglu. That didn't happen. Then they missed out on Trevor Ariza while the Turkish Turd was prick-teasing them. So....their new target is Utah backup PF Paul Millsap, a hustle guy who averaged 11/7 as a sub last year. Because of injuries to Carlos Boozeface, Millsap ended up starting 38 games and averaging 16/10 for 30 minutes during those starts. These fluke minutes drastically inflated his value- check out his splits here. Kevin Pritchard apparently didn't notice that Millsap is not, in fact, a starter and offered up 8 mil a season. For a backup PF. Who's generously listed at 6'8. Yeah. I love Millsap but not at that money. You don't pay a guy 8 mil for 20 minutes a game.

*Now that I have absolutely no reason to watch NBATV for three months, it gives me great pleasure to bid adieu to a slew of crappy commercials that drove me batshit crazy this season: that awful Haier electronics ad featuring the worst jingle in history ('We will gooo-ooo haiiii-errrrr'), the Snuggie, ProActiv Zit Cream, Better Basketball featuring the 'best shooter on the planet JJ Redick' (ha!), that slimming shirt/men's girdle from IS Athletics that covers up 'embarrassing body fat,' the Sunsetter Awning, and of course, the Shamwow and its coked up, hooker-smacking spokesdouche. Come to think of it, I won't miss the WNBA, either. Make a fricking layup, ladies!

*Miami GM (and notorious asshole) Pat Riley is playing hardball with DWade, saying the superstar should ink a deal first so that the team has a better chance at signing FAs. Not surprisingly, Wade's stance is that the Heat should get some players not named Jermaine O'Neal on-board before he commits long-term. Ready for the punchline? The team is currently negotiating with Allen Iverson- bwaaahaahaaa! There's NO WAY Wade believes that Iverson is the guy who puts Miami back into elite status. Nice try, Riley. Go read The Art Of War again- maybe it'll give you a tactical solution. Or you could dust off the ol' Ring Of Faith.

Pictured: Riles and Wade discuss who has a bigger ego

Turko-Loser

2009-07-04T11:45:00.001-07:00

Portland welcomed him with open arms and deep pocketbooks. The front office and fanbase were positively salivating after seeing Hedo Turkoglu make numerous big plays in leading the Orlando Magic to the Finals. It was supposedly a done deal- he was a Blazer.

Then he reneged on his verbal agreement and headed for Toronto.

Why did he do it? "How could he do this TO US?" Money's been mentioned, and it's true that he stands to bank an additional million or two. The Turkish population of Toronto could be a factor.

Personally, I think it's because he wants to be the second option instead of the third. In Portland, he'd get his shots and touches after Roy AND Aldridge. In Toronto, only Chris Bosh trumps him. They might even let him run point-forward duties when Calderon goes to the bench. He'll still get to initiate offense like he did for Orlando. And he'll still get to pad his stats, because he obviously doesn't give a shit about winning basketball games. Toronto? Please. They now have three of the worst defenders in the entire league in their starting lineup (Calderon, Turk, Bargnani). They'll be lucky to win half their games, even in the Leastern Conference.

So I speak for the entire city of Portland when I say 'Fuck you, Turkish Turd. Fuck you and your lame-ass poodle haircut. Enjoy your long offseasons 'cause you won't see the playoffs again for awhile.'

Pictured: bad poodle, no playoffs!

Ron Artest, Poet Laureate

2009-07-03T15:24:00.000-07:00

Barring some kind of Elton Brand-like bail out, Ron Artest will soon be a Laker. And every player/fan/employee of the Cavs, Celtics, Magic, Spurs, Blazers and Nuggets just had an 'Oops, I Crapped My Pants' moment.

How scary is this dude? You be the judge. Here are the lyrics to Booty Wooty, his collaboration with musical genius and erstwhile rapper, Will Smith:

Yo I’m so high
And that’s no lie
Throw ya blunt up in the sky
Cause these niggas don’t die
Now I might be quick to catch a tech
But I keep my bitches in check
Punch ‘em in the neck
With the utmost respect

Hell, yes. Artest is such a bad-ass that he can respectfully punch you in the neck. Think about that for a second, bitches. And that's when he's already high. Imagine how nasty he'd be when he was sober. I'll miss Trevor Ariza but nobody strikes fear in the heart of an opponent like Ron Artest. Another miracle acquisition for the Lakers front office.

Excelsior!

Pictured: Ron Ron respectfully nibbling Kobe's neck

Loose Balls- Tuesday

2009-06-30T09:38:00.000-07:00

*Yao might be done for next season and possibly his entire career, according to Bucher. Barring a trade, it looks like Houston will have to play Scola at center, not a winning formula in the ultra-competitive West where it'll take 45-50 wins to get into the postseason again.

*Carlos Boozer is supposedly weighing his options, trying to decide whether or not to opt out of his contract with Utah. C'mon. Of course he will. That's what he does. It's in his nature. The scorpion will always sting the frog and Carlos Boozeface will always bail out and break your team's heart.

UPDATE: Boozer just announced he's staying for another year...THEN he'll leave for more money. My bad.

*NY's plan to lure LeBron away from Cleveland next year is not going well. At all. Anyone really think a lineup of Darko, Duhon, Wilson Chandler, Lil' Nate and David Lee is going to turn his head? Me, neither. In fact, it reminds me a lot of the Cavs squad that LBJ inherited as a rook.

*By dumping Vince Cancer, the (Brooklyn) Nets have reduced their 2010 payroll to $38.

*Shaquille O'Neal changes the gameplan for Cleveland. On offense, he'll get a chance to initiate plays from the low post, kicking out to spot up shooters or dumping the ball in to cutters. This likely means less wear and tear on LeBron, which is a good thing. Shaq's propensity for attacking the rim will also draw more fouls on opposing centers (Dwight Howard, specifically) than having Big Z shooting 20-footers. This is also a plus. They'll still have problems defending the P&R but overall, a good move by Ferry (can't believe I just typed that).

*Hedo Turkoglu reportedly turned down a 35/mil extension to stay in Orlando. The club obviously saw this coming or they wouldn't have gone after VC. Most sportwriters seem to think this improves the Magic. I disagree. Turk's ability to initiate the offense and shoot over the top of the high screen/roll is why they beat Cleveland. I don't think that they should have given Hedo 10 mil or anything but now they're spending max money on one of the worst locker room guys in NBA history. FAIL.

*Lots of buzz about Portland's interest in Turk. Seems like a bad fit to me. Turk's best with the rock in his hands. So's Brandon Roy. Why would Pritchard overspend for a spot-up shooter and poor defender who's already 30 years old? I like Turk but not at the money he'll be asking for. KP needs to save that cash for a top-tier point guard. No, I don't mean Andre Miller.

*The Indiana Pacers chose dorky white guy Tyler Hansbrough in the lottery. Psycho T joins Dunleavy, Murphy, Diener, Foster, McRoberts and Nesterovic to form the dorkiest, whitest roster in recent memory (holla back, Minneapolis Lakers). AND they're still looking to move Marquis Daniels and Tinsley. That's two more open spots for slow-footed Caucasians! A name change seems in order. The Indiana Puffy Clouds. Or maybe The Indiana White Knights. Goathair from Blowtorch might suggest The Hans-Bros.

Pictured: Bird's wet dream team