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Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Rug Barnes In Commanding Lead For America's Next Bruce Bowen

With this amazing display of unbridled douchebaggery, Matt (Rug) Barnes has established a seemingly insurmountable lead in the race to become America's Next Bruce Bowen.

What the judges (me, basically) are looking for in this competition: dirty play, shit talking, ability to pester and distract, originality, flair, starters minutes AND (this is key) the occasional three point dagger to win a game but otherwise complete offensive ineptitude.

The loathsome Bowen, as any hoops fan can attest, set the bar pretty high. For over a decade, he kicked, tripped, headbutted, fondled and molested anyone Coach Popozitz assigned him to guard/rape. And sadly, the Spurs won a few titles that way. The prison strategy worked. So now every coach wants a 'Bowen-type' on their roster. But here's the catch: the Next Bruce needs to channel his douchebaggery in a way that actually helps win games. It's more than being a thug; it's being a productive thug. You can't win Next Bruce if your team isn't a contender. If you're out there douching it up and your team loses anyway, you're better suited for America's Next Danny Fortson (I see you, Reggie Evans).

It's going to take an impossibly disgusting effort from Floppy Varejao and Dirty Dahntay to close the gap this late in the season. But as they say, it ain't over until the fat lady punches you in the junk on a baseline screen. So get to grabbing, jerks! Make Uncle Bruce proud.

Pictured: Rug giving little Devin Harris the business


Ben Le Vine said...

Awesome! I feel like my Facebook post of same video may have inspired you, which makes me so very proud to be an American.

KneeJerkNBA said...

Your hatred of Bruce Bowen inspires me, too.

Ben Le Vine said...

I really do hate him so much, but not nearly as much as Vince Carter does. The really amazing thing about this video, is Kobe's reaction to Barnes faking the ball into his face. He just stands there unflinching with a smug look on his face. I find that to be exemplary of the polarizing aspect of Kobe that makes you love him or hate him. I thought it was awesome and kind of badass, but if I didn't like him, I would be so pissed that he has no fear and probably start questioning his vision or reaction time to explain away his fearlessness. Unfortunately, the Laker slide of late can be directly attributed to Kobe's fearlessness in regards to not being afraid to shoot too many times.

By the way, I loved the Finley top ten on that Hated-Ones website.

Ben Le Vine said...

You know who else is a douche? Kenyon Martin. Can we talk about that huge lip tattoo on his neck? It seriously looks like Nene or Johan Petro dressed in drag, kissed K-Mart's neck on a dare and then to save face, K-Mart had said lipstick imprint tattooed to his neck. Jeez I hate K-Mart. I also hate Billups, Raja Bell, every Celtic not named Rasheed, Mike Dunleavy, and the 2001 Sacramento Kings.

Ben Le Vine said...

and everyone who tries to tell me that Michael Jackson wasn't a total weirdo and that every incriminating piece of hard evidence that was admitted into either trial was probably a plant and that MJ is an angel who had so much good left to do. I also hate Ernest Hemmingway, even though that last sentence looks like he wrote it.

ReadBetweenTheBaselines said...

"AND (this is key) the occasional three point dagger to win a game but otherwise complete offensive ineptitude."

Thank you! Very well put. He's like Sasha Vujacic only a tad bit better.

KneeJerkNBA said...

@Ben: yes, Kenyon=douche and MJ=weirdo. Agreed wholeheartedly.

In terms of Kobe's reaction time to the ball fake, I prefer to think that his sociopathic mind can focus on only one thing at a time- winning basketball games.

@Read: I'd take Barnes over Sasha, no question. At this point, I'd take Cappy Pondexter over Sasha.

KneeJerkNBA said...

spelling correction: 'Cappie' not 'Cappy.' Sorry to any WNBA fans out there I've offended. BWAAAHAAAAHAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAAHHHHAAAAAAHHHHAAAAAAHHHAAA!!!!!!